6 Years

Some photos from our visit to the grave site on Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 22.

I miss him very much but this year I felt more peace at the cemetery than ever.  We walked around and looked at other graves.  When Marshall's body was first buried it was at the edge of the cemetery surrounded by an open field.  Now the field is almost filled with graves.  Death is all around us.  People die all the time.

The righteous perish,
    and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
    and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
    to be spared from evil.

Those who walk uprightly
    enter into peace;
    they find rest as they lie in death.
- Isaiah 57:1-2

Happy Birthday, Marshall

I turned on the radio on my way to the grocery store a few days ago and "In the Secret" was playing.  I started weeping and cried all the way to the store and sat in the parking lot.  You may remember that was a special song to Marshall as he sang it at a church in Iraq.  We played it at his funeral and I included it as one of the songs in his slideshow.  So I can't listen to that song without thinking of him.  It's so fitting that Marshall liked that song because it talks about dark, quiet, and secret places and there God is.

In the secret
in the quiet place
in the stillness
You are there.

In the secret,
in the quiet hour I wait
only for You
‘cause I want to know You more.

I want to know You.
I want to hear Your voice.
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You.
I want to see Your face.
I want to know You more.

When I sing it I think of both God and Marshall.  Yes, I want to see God and know Him more, but I also think of when we will get to see Marshall again.  Because I lived 20 years with him on this earth, I remember what it is like to be with him physically.  We don't (typically!) see God, or feel Him, or audibly hear Him, and it's sometimes harder for me to long for that although I still do.  But my longing for Marshall is based in memories of reality - I had it once.  I want it again.  My heart aches and aches just to be with him again.  Just to sit next to him in the car - even in silence - and be together.  That's what I loved about our relationship - we didn't have to talk, we were just there together.

My two-year-old Tirzah knows where her Uncle Marshall is.  She first learned about death when a bug got caught between our window and the screen and couldn't climb back out the hole.  We watched it struggle for a few days, and then it died.  That was months ago, and it's still there.  Every now and then Tirzah goes up to the window and says "dead bug."  I asked Tirzah where Uncle Marshall is and she said, "He's in heaven with Jesus."  She likes to play with her moose and she knows it was Uncle Marshall's moose.  She sometimes takes naps with it.  One time she wanted to take it on a walk and somehow it fall out of the stroller.  Someone behind us on the sidewalk ran up to me and said, "I think you dropped this!"  I grabbed it tightly and said, "THANK YOU!"  It doesn't go on walks with us anymore!

So, what can I say.  Today Marshall would have been 26.  I'm 27.  I wonder if they do anything special for earthly birthdays in heaven, any way to commemorate them.  I've been reading about David's mighty men in Kings and Chronicles and of course it makes me think of Marshall.  I looked at his myspace profile again today and it's so weird and kind of funny how much he talks about killing in his profile.  Now before anyone freaks out and thinks Marshall was a psychopath, he was kind of extreme in talking about wanting to kill people, but he's not talking about just killing ANY one.  He wanted to be an instrument of justice and kill bad people, people who needed to be killed but maybe no one else was doing it.  (And maybe he liked the shock and reaction he got when he would say things like that because it seemed so opposite his quiet, gentle nature?)   He was a warrior inside.  I wonder who he's fighting with now.  Family and friends who knew him, do you have any more insight into his part of him?

2002

May 2003 - My high school graduation

Summer 2003 - driving on our family vacation in Ohio

Thanksgiving Day, 2003

Chilling after a family soccer game, Nov. 2003

2004-08-12 Graduation from Basic Training in OK

5 Years

Nov. 22, 2011 - Those of us who were in Austin (Mom, Dad, Derek, me, and Tirzah, and Madison) went to the grave at around 5pm.  We noticed there was a man's body buried to the right of Marshall's grave.  Looks like it was buried last Dec. - we hadn't been to the grave for a whole year!  The other side are Mom and Dad's plots so those will stay open until they go to God.

It was pretty cold so we didn't stay very long.  Next we stopped at the crash site.  The cross looked more worn on the top - some of the paint is wearing off.  It always smells bad next to the dump.

It was windy and cold so we didn't stay there long either.  We headed back to the Hagen house and had dinner together.  Later we skyped with Hannah and Richard and talked through memories of the day of the accident and the following days afterwards.  I think it was pretty hard for my dad but helpful for my mom and me; Hannah shared some things that happened that my mom didn't even remember as she was so focused on Mason's condition.  Oh what a crazy, desperate time.  I shared the memory of when we had first gotten to the ER and heard that Marshall hadn't made it for sure and my dad sunk to the floor and cried out to God that He would raise him back to life like Lazarus.  Madison crouched in the corner between the wall and a couch.  I sat on the couch in a ball.  I don't know where Derek was.  Mom hadn't gotten there yet.  Hannah and Richard were driving to Ohio for a wedding.  When Mom got to the ER they asked if two of us wanted to go back and see Mason.  He was on a stretcher being triaged for his burns.

Even though it was hard and sad to talk about those things, it was very comforting just being together and being able to talk with Hannah via skype.  We really missed Mason not being there with us.

I'd like to write up the whole story sometime to be sure we don't forget it.  Even after 5 years we felt like some of the memories were foggy.

Then Dad read I Thessalonians 4 about the coming of the Lord:

 ¹³But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁵For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. ¹⁸Therefore encourage one another with these words.

This is our hope!  Praise the Lord that He has promised us restoration, healing, joy, and RESURRECTION!

This is one of my favorite pictures of Marshall and me.
This was at a waltz class we were taking in Sept. 2004.
Marshall and I were dance partners for the classes.

Just because I don't post on here very often doesn't mean I don't think about Marshall very often.  I think about him all the time.  My heart still has a hole in it.  A piece of me is still missing.  I still long to see him and know him again.  "Uncle" Marshall has three nieces now; they will never know him on this earth.  It makes me sad every time my daughter T points to his picture on the fridge and I say, "Uncle Marshall."  She won't get to know him.  She won't get to see my relationship with him.  It is getting so weird now becoming friends with people who have never met him.  I feel like it's a part of ME they can never get to know.  I am thankful for so many of those who did know him and still know me well.

I still have dreams about him.  The most recent dream I had was: My family was together at some sort of arena.  Marshall was there visiting us from heaven.  He looked like a normal person to everyone else but we knew he was from heaven.  He had spiky hair and was wearing all black and a trench coat, of course.  There were some "bad guys" who were threatening me.  Marshall threw Chinese throwing stars at them and killed them all - bam, bam, bam - just like that.  His accuracy was incredible and everyone in the audience was amazed.  So dreams are weird but the point of this dream was that Marshall was protecting me.  It reminded me how much he cared for me.  He really did like me even if he didn't say it verbally.  We had this special relationship, this unseen understanding.  I'm sure God is using Marshall for great things right now.

I hate that as time goes on I feel like I am losing memories.  I am so thankful for pictures, letters, and the few videos, but I find it harder and harder to remember what he was really like day-to-day.  In some ways I didn't know him very well at all when he died.  In some ways God gradually distanced our relationship over the 2 years preceding his passing, perhaps to make his final absence easier to bear for all of us?

"I lift up my eyes to the hills.  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth."  (Ps 121)

There is SO much more I could say ... his absence affects me constantly: when someone asks me how many siblings I have ... when I visit the LEGO store in Orlando, FL ... when I see an mr2 ... when I hear of someone losing their son or brother ... when I look at my own daughter and think about all the thousands of memories I already have with her as her mother and she is only 15 months old - I can only imagine what my parents go through!  ... when someone else says they have three brothers and I have to stop myself from saying . "Me too!" so that I don't have to go through the whole story ("well, I mean, I used to, but now I just have two ... one died in a car accident ... uh, yeah, don't really want to tell the whole story right now") ... and when I hear of anyone dying anywhere ... O Lord, comfort the broken-hearted.  I know You fill my life with good things.

And to think ... God chose to lose His one and only Son for us scumbags!  Wow, I've never even thought of the grief of God the Father as His Son died!

I cling to the promise of seeing Marshall again.

Heidi

4 years

Promises

Mom's Marshall Promises:

Isaiah 13:3,4

“I have commanded My holy ones; I have summoned My warriors to carry out My wrath - those who rejoice in My triumph. Listen, a noise on the mountains, like that of a great multitude! Listen, an uproar among the kingdoms, like nations massing together! The Lord Almighty is mustering an army for war.”

Marshall was summoned

Revelation 19:14

“The armies of heaven were following Him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean.”

My most vivid dream . . .

Isaiah 57:1,2

“The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”

Marshall was spared from evil and given peace and rest.

Psalm 116:15

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones.”

Ezekiel 24:16

“...with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes.”

God took Ezekiel’s wife for the effect it would have on others. God will use Marshall’s death for the salvation of others.

John 12:24

“I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it bears much fruit and produces many seeds.”

Isaiah 12:3

“With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.”

Isaiah 49:20,21

“The children born during your bereavement will yet say in your hearing, ‘This place is too small for us; give us more space to live in.’ Then you will say in your heart, ‘Who bore me these? I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up? I was left alone, but these - where have they come from' ”

Isaiah 51:2b

”When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and made him many.”

Goodbye, I love you

I have been listening to this song by Pax 217 called, "Countin' Down the Days" that is about remembering someone who used to be on earth. You can listen to this song in full athttp://new.music.yahoo.com/pax-217/tracks/countin-down-the-days--7353371. He talks about how he is counting down the days until he can see that person again. Marshall's death and Mason's accident have really made me think about death every day. Whenever I leave some place, I often think about how I am leaving it. "What if I never return? Is this how I would want to leave things? What if I never see this person again? Is this how I would want our relationship to end?" It has also made me think about making the most of the time I have with people. On the week before the accident, I kept telling myself, "Oh, just focus on your school work now because you will get to hang out with Marshall during Thanksgiving break and you can ask him all about Iraq and everything then." Don't ever count on the future. You do not know what God has in store for you. He is the only One we can count on who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hug and kiss your loved ones good-bye whenever you leave, whether for a day or a week. Don't leave anything unresolved - you may never get the chance. Appreciate even the not-so-lovely qualities in people because when they are gone you will miss the things that used to annoy you. No one got to say goodbye to Marshall but praise the Lord we will get to say "hello" to him someday.

"I'm gonna see you in a little while ...

when I die I'll see something beautiful ...

I'm countin down, countin down the days ...

now I'm waiting for the day, the day to come ... when I, when I will be with you ...

I know where you went, I know where you are ... I know who you're with cause you're just like Him. ... I'm gonna see you in a little while

echo in me, echo in me

every day every day

that goes by without you

that goes by without you

goodbye, I love you

come and see me sometime

Will found this letter from Marshall while opening up some old boxes. Marshall and Mason used to draw those "jet cars" all the time! It was one of their many obbsessive phases they went through. I still think of him every time I pass that office building near Far West and Mopac that has that bright yellow jet car outside (you can see it on Google Maps). Marshall used to ask Mom and Dad all the time if we could drive by it just so he could look at it. Marshall was actually quite a good artist and was very detailed and exact in his drawings. He liked to draw things on graph paper so that everything could be straight and perfect. He drew all kinds of vehicles most of the time and of course he drew weapons sometimes too. They would often look very realiztic and somehow he know how to make them look like they had just had a fresh coat of paint. We would tell him that he should be a car designer because he would always draw these creative cars. I would love to find some of those drawings - most of them are mixed in with his school notes or math homework. Gosh I miss his uniqueness so much.

A Dream

I have been having a couple vivid dreams lately. It's very rare for me to remember any of my dreams, but this one was so clear.

Marshall had a new car, and it was a light blue Prius! But inside it looked like his MR2 and it was old and tiny inside, with a bunch a school papers scattered in the back. I just remember him showing me the car and opening the driver's door for me to see inside. He was just there, being Marshall. Everything felt so normal. How I long to make this real! How I long to be standing next to him right now, just talking with him, just being "normal"! Seeing his little smirk, asking him questions, listening to his quirky comments ... I know there was more to the dream but I just can't remember any more ... oh I hate forgetting. I hope I dream about him again. Have any of you had dreams about Marshall or loved ones who have died? I remember I had one dream that was so clear soon after the accident ... it was just me and him and we were on this HUGE staircase - I guess the staircase to heaven. He was in a white robe and he was really shining. He said, "Everything is going to be ok." And that was all. I think my mind just made it up but I also beleive that God can use dreams to speak to us, so maybe that was just a reminder that I WILL see Marshall again in heaven someday ... someday soon.

Updated Slideshow Links

On the post from March 31, 2007, I had links to a slideshow I made of Marshall, containing many of the pictures that were displayed at the funeral.  I had to change the host site so the links are now updated.

Click here to see the original post.

Click here to view the folder with the two slideshow files, with mucic (35MB) or without music (13MB).

Heidi