Yesterday was 6 months. Half a year! It doesn't seem that long, but sometimes it feels like forever ago since I last saw him. I wore all black like I always do on the 22nd. Marshall liked black. I have been so caught up in wedding stuff these past few weeks that I haven't even had time to let myself grieve or even think about Marshall. So yesterday when we went to the grave site, it was just all bursting to come out. Mason drove us to the cemetery but stayed in the van the whole time. :-( Mom, Dad, and Madison worked on the grave: we put a vase with flowers and two flags at the head of the grave for Memorial Day and Mom and Madison made a cross with rocks.
But I didn't want to be near anyone. I walked around the cemetery looking at other graves. People do a lot for their dead. I cried this time and I was sad. But I did feel a lot of peace about the situation. Marshall is in heaven. I will see him again someday soon! That is what I have to keep repeating to myself. Marshall will be at my wedding in spirit. I just hope that I will be happy on my wedding day and not crying that he is not there. God is with me always and Marshal is with our Lord; that is much to be happy about, besides the fact that I am marrying the most wonderful man! But I still wish my brother were here. I just miss his presence. Even when he was in Iraq, it was so different. He wasn't here, but he was somewhere. He was in Iraq. It was a specific place that I knew where he was and I could think about him and imagine what he was doing right then and pray for him. For a while after his death I caught myself starting to pray for him in Iraq, just out of habit because I did it so often before. "And God, please be with Marshall right now in Ir --- oh, wait." And then it would just make me so sad to remember, "Heidi, he's not in Iraq. He's dead." But he is somewhere. The good thing about visiting the cemetery is that it always makes me think of the coming resurrection. If anything, one of the best things that has come from my brother going to heaven has been that I think about heaven and the next life so much more! Paul says, "Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." Applying that has become much less of a struggle.
So I can rest in that Marshall is in the happiest place, and God will be with me in four days at my wedding. I think that God will make it an extra special day and will fill me with joy and not sorrow. You, dear reader, can pray for that.
Love,
Heidi
