Inside my head

I don't know what to say. The pain is here again. But it's different this time. I'm different. God has done something amazing through marriage. There was this huge hump of grief before me, and I think that I was so happy and so excited and so in love that God got me over that hump. It was like a haze around me and Derek was my sunshine that broke through. God allowed me to be happy again - not just regular happy but to feel a deep, deep peace, excitement, satisfaction, joy. After the wedding and the honeymoon and all that, I still miss Marshall like crazy, but I feel like I am more like myself again - finally. I can be free. I can be carefree. Derek brings out the little Heidi and it feels so good to be that little girl again! I don't have to feel sad for Marshall. I used to feel guilty whenever I would start to feel happy because somehow it felt like I wasn't appreciating Marshall enough if I was happy that he was gone. It wasn't that I was happy that he was gone, but somehow my mind made it out to be that way. But now, it's like God gave me a license to be happy. Truly happy, completely happy - oh, how can I describe it? So marriage is wonderful and God is good. I still miss Marshall like crazy. I don't think that will every go away, and I'm not sure I even want it to.

I recently started my summer internship at Seton and last week I went out to buy scrubs. There were some black ones on sale and I was going to buy the pants anyways, but I went ahead and bought the shirt too so I could wear black on the 22nd of the month. Satan tells me that's dumb. No one really understands. But black was Marshall's favorite color and it is just something I can DO every month for me to remember him by. I almost look forward to the 22nd because it gives me a chance to think about him and remember him. A lot of the time I just block it out because it is too painful. But I try to release it on the 22nd. So it has been 7 months. Can you believe it? That's more than half a year we've been living without him. There is this girl at work who I am just loving getting to know - she is one of the CAs (clinical assistant) and she is super sweet. Yesterday she was showing me a picture of her brother on her phone and she said, "That's my brother Marshall." I gasped. "Marshall??!????" I said, "You have a brother named Marshall?" "Yeah ... why?" Oh. And then I didn't know how to begin. There was another co-worker there. I just said something about my brothers in a car accident in November and he died and my other brother was on the 8th floor for two weeks, etc. Their faces immediately turned sad and concerned and they just seemed like they wanted to comfort me. "Oh I'm so sorry. That's so sad." That's pretty much the best thing people can say. I got all hot and embarrassed and I felt my face turning red. I couldn't say anything else except, "yeah." Hopefully we will get to talk more.

Well, I guess I found something to say. God is working. May I never, ever forget it.

Love,
Heidi