"'Cause all too soon, the clock will strike midnight, and she'll be gone ..."

I first heard about the death of Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter from Hannah while I was in Florida for her graduation. It was May 22, 18 months to the day after the death of my brother. Because I intimately know the pain the whole family was going through, it was hard for me to go on with the day as usual. I cried for them, thinking of all the emotions they were being bombarded with right then. I wanted to just sit on the carpet of Hannah and Richard's living room for the whole day and sulk. I didn't feel like eating breakfast, or doing anything else that day. How can I just go on with life as if nothing happened? WHY? Why do I have to keep living in this world so full of pain and saddness? I am so tired of it! I am so weary! I can't stand it! My heart aches and aches for the Chapmans. I have too much compassion, it's killing me. I always feel so hurt whenever I hear about anything sad in the world. And there is just too much of it, I can't bear it. I can't get depressed everytime I hear about another soldier killed in Iraq, or the people dying of starvation in Burma/Myanmar because the government won't let aid in, or the Christian families in China whose dads are in prison for preaching the gospel, or the African children inflicted with AIDS, or the Mexican woman who was murdered in her car a few days ago in Austin, or my patients when they lose their baby... there is pain, saddness, wickedness, and death all around me that I would just commit suicide immediately if I really let it all get to me, if I dwelt on all of it. Sometimes I feel like I am being disrespectful by simply going on with life after hearing about such great tradgeties. Someone somewhere is experiencing that undescribable pain and emptyness that I myself have tasted, and I wish no one ever had to feel that.

I know there are many differences in the Chapman's accident and ours, but still, there are a lot of things we could relate to. Her brother was pulling into the driveway in the SUV and he didn't see her. I can't imagine what he must be going through.

"Oh my goodness, and listen to this," Hannah said as she continued reading the news about the Chapmans on the internet. "Oh my goodness. The oldest daughter had just gotten engaged days before the accident."

Wow, hey, kind of like me.

Planned months before his daughter's death, the Cinderella edition of Steven Curtis Chapman's newest album was released on my one year wedding anniversary, May 27.

I have stopped wearing all black every 22nd day of the month, I guess that's progress. There just came a time a few months ago when I didn't feel like I needed to wear it anymore.

I don't know if the grief has gotten any easier or not. Some days I think it has. Other days I think, No, it doesn't get any better. It is exactly the same; there are just longer periods of numbness in between the periods of intense longing and complete aloneness.

Little things continually remind me of him. I pass "Marshall Lane" off Enfield every day on my way to work. There is a doctor at Brackenridge named Kimberly Marshall. Ironic first name since that is Marshall's closest aunt's name (mom's sister Kim). We went to the Lego store at Downtown Disney in Orlando and I could not clear my head the entire time I was in the store of images of Marshall and Mason playing Legos when they were younger. It was pretty much an everyday activity for him. He loved building vehicles especially; anything that could be driven: space ships, race cars, monster trucks, underwater vehicles, tracked-trucks, and lots of other things with wheels and guns. Oh yeah, and I walk by the Travis County Medical Examiner's Office all the time as it is next door to Brackenridge Hospital. I wonder where the pictures of Marshall's body are kept in what file inside. I wonder who works there who has seen my brother's disfigured body. As I pass the white and red vehicles that say "Medical Examiner" on the sides I wonder which one his body came in. Sometimes I imagine simply walking in and asking about him at the front desk. I'm sure that would really go over well. And of course I WORK in the hospital where my brother was lifeflighted in by helicopter and spent two and a half weeks recovering in. I've spent sleepless nights at that hospital not just as a nurse during night shift but as a patient's weary family member. I always give the dads or grandmas extra blankets when they stay the night because I know how uncomfortable those hospital cots are. And how annoying the ticking of the IVs are, and how loud the nurses station is, and how frequently someone comes in the room at night to draw blood or something. Now I'm on the other side, and I guess I am a better nurse for it because I know what people are going through.

Well, I guess I should wrap this up. This blog is so good for venting. But I am committed to making it more than an emotional outlet; it must be a place where I learn truth and announce it as well as my sorrows.

So the reason I do not dwell in depression or stay sulky all the time is because I know something, or Someone, higher than this tiny world. There is something more then us humans just being born and dying. I have been listening to the Psalms when Derek is out of town (his car is so super high tech that it has a CD player ...). I have been overwhelmed with how often the authors of the Psalms praise God for His constant presence and comfort for His people. There is a huge Being out there who deeply cares for all of His people. Not one of them goes unnoticed. He tenderly cares for each one of them.

Psalm 3:8: From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people.

Psalm 4:8: 8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 5:11 But let all who take refuge in You be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread Your protection over them, that those who love Your name may rejoice in You.
12 For surely, O LORD, You bless the righteous; You surround them with Your favor as with a shield.

Psalm 6:9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.
10 All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed; they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

And pretty much all of Psalm 7:
6 Arise, O LORD, in your anger;
rise up against the rage of my enemies.
Awake, my God; decree justice.
7 Let the assembled peoples gather around You.
Rule over them from on high; 8 let the LORD judge the peoples.
Judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness,
according to my integrity, O Most High.
9 O righteous God,
who searches minds and hearts,
bring to an end the violence of the wicked
and make the righteous secure.
10 My shield is God Most High,
who saves the upright in heart.
11 God is a righteous judge,
a God who expresses His wrath every day.

Psalm 9:9 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. …
12 For He who avenges blood remembers; He does not ignore the cry of the afflicted. …
18 But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

Praise the Lord that I do not have to bear the burden of all the pain in this world. God never forgets. He upholds our hope.

Love,
Heidi