5 Years

Nov. 22, 2011 - Those of us who were in Austin (Mom, Dad, Derek, me, and Tirzah, and Madison) went to the grave at around 5pm.  We noticed there was a man's body buried to the right of Marshall's grave.  Looks like it was buried last Dec. - we hadn't been to the grave for a whole year!  The other side are Mom and Dad's plots so those will stay open until they go to God.

It was pretty cold so we didn't stay very long.  Next we stopped at the crash site.  The cross looked more worn on the top - some of the paint is wearing off.  It always smells bad next to the dump.

It was windy and cold so we didn't stay there long either.  We headed back to the Hagen house and had dinner together.  Later we skyped with Hannah and Richard and talked through memories of the day of the accident and the following days afterwards.  I think it was pretty hard for my dad but helpful for my mom and me; Hannah shared some things that happened that my mom didn't even remember as she was so focused on Mason's condition.  Oh what a crazy, desperate time.  I shared the memory of when we had first gotten to the ER and heard that Marshall hadn't made it for sure and my dad sunk to the floor and cried out to God that He would raise him back to life like Lazarus.  Madison crouched in the corner between the wall and a couch.  I sat on the couch in a ball.  I don't know where Derek was.  Mom hadn't gotten there yet.  Hannah and Richard were driving to Ohio for a wedding.  When Mom got to the ER they asked if two of us wanted to go back and see Mason.  He was on a stretcher being triaged for his burns.

Even though it was hard and sad to talk about those things, it was very comforting just being together and being able to talk with Hannah via skype.  We really missed Mason not being there with us.

I'd like to write up the whole story sometime to be sure we don't forget it.  Even after 5 years we felt like some of the memories were foggy.

Then Dad read I Thessalonians 4 about the coming of the Lord:

 ¹³But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁵For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. ¹⁸Therefore encourage one another with these words.

This is our hope!  Praise the Lord that He has promised us restoration, healing, joy, and RESURRECTION!

4 years

Promises

Mom's Marshall Promises:

Isaiah 13:3,4

“I have commanded My holy ones; I have summoned My warriors to carry out My wrath - those who rejoice in My triumph. Listen, a noise on the mountains, like that of a great multitude! Listen, an uproar among the kingdoms, like nations massing together! The Lord Almighty is mustering an army for war.”

Marshall was summoned

Revelation 19:14

“The armies of heaven were following Him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean.”

My most vivid dream . . .

Isaiah 57:1,2

“The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”

Marshall was spared from evil and given peace and rest.

Psalm 116:15

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones.”

Ezekiel 24:16

“...with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes.”

God took Ezekiel’s wife for the effect it would have on others. God will use Marshall’s death for the salvation of others.

John 12:24

“I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it bears much fruit and produces many seeds.”

Isaiah 12:3

“With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.”

Isaiah 49:20,21

“The children born during your bereavement will yet say in your hearing, ‘This place is too small for us; give us more space to live in.’ Then you will say in your heart, ‘Who bore me these? I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up? I was left alone, but these - where have they come from' ”

Isaiah 51:2b

”When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and made him many.”

Will found this letter from Marshall while opening up some old boxes. Marshall and Mason used to draw those "jet cars" all the time! It was one of their many obbsessive phases they went through. I still think of him every time I pass that office building near Far West and Mopac that has that bright yellow jet car outside (you can see it on Google Maps). Marshall used to ask Mom and Dad all the time if we could drive by it just so he could look at it. Marshall was actually quite a good artist and was very detailed and exact in his drawings. He liked to draw things on graph paper so that everything could be straight and perfect. He drew all kinds of vehicles most of the time and of course he drew weapons sometimes too. They would often look very realiztic and somehow he know how to make them look like they had just had a fresh coat of paint. We would tell him that he should be a car designer because he would always draw these creative cars. I would love to find some of those drawings - most of them are mixed in with his school notes or math homework. Gosh I miss his uniqueness so much.

A Dream

I have been having a couple vivid dreams lately. It's very rare for me to remember any of my dreams, but this one was so clear.

Marshall had a new car, and it was a light blue Prius! But inside it looked like his MR2 and it was old and tiny inside, with a bunch a school papers scattered in the back. I just remember him showing me the car and opening the driver's door for me to see inside. He was just there, being Marshall. Everything felt so normal. How I long to make this real! How I long to be standing next to him right now, just talking with him, just being "normal"! Seeing his little smirk, asking him questions, listening to his quirky comments ... I know there was more to the dream but I just can't remember any more ... oh I hate forgetting. I hope I dream about him again. Have any of you had dreams about Marshall or loved ones who have died? I remember I had one dream that was so clear soon after the accident ... it was just me and him and we were on this HUGE staircase - I guess the staircase to heaven. He was in a white robe and he was really shining. He said, "Everything is going to be ok." And that was all. I think my mind just made it up but I also beleive that God can use dreams to speak to us, so maybe that was just a reminder that I WILL see Marshall again in heaven someday ... someday soon.

Updated Slideshow Links

On the post from March 31, 2007, I had links to a slideshow I made of Marshall, containing many of the pictures that were displayed at the funeral.  I had to change the host site so the links are now updated.

Click here to see the original post.

Click here to view the folder with the two slideshow files, with mucic (35MB) or without music (13MB).

Heidi

Marshall's Memory Book is Online

For those of you who won't have the opportunity to come over and look at the book at the Hagen house, you can view it online at:
http://community.shutterfly.com/gallery/post/start.sfly?postId=/gallery/1/post/GMGDFg5bOGbJoxajyJ7jbA

Heidi

The Matrix

I watched "The Matrix" for the first time since Marshall left a few nights ago. I have his Matrix collection, which includes the movie trilogy as well as the Animatrix and the making of films, etc. It took me a long time to get up enough bravery to make myself watch it just because of all of the memories I have of Marshall associated with the Matrix. He was entranced by it. There was just something about it that had enraptured him. He wore Dad's old black trench coat, got some Neo-looking sun glasses, and even researched getting Neo's boots from Airwalk. If my memory is correct (which it is often not), I think he even wrote a paper about the spiritual themes in the Matrix. I remember him researching it. His favorite Biblical motif was the battle between good and evil. He longed to be a part of that. Video games and movies were a way he could escape into that world that he wanted to fight in so badly. His favorite Christian band was Demon Hunter, and his favorite movies besides the Matrix were films like the Underworld, LOTR, Black Hawk Down (I love this movie and Derek has Marshall's copy but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it yet), The Last Samurai, etc. Marshall took Kung Fu (like Neo) at one point and wanted to be a ninja. And sometimes when I think about Marshall's warrior heart, I think about what he must be doing in heaven right now. Now he is fighting the real battle. He is a soldier in the only true army. A soldier of heaven. A demon hunter. And I can't wait to join him.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

- Ephesians 6:12

Birthday

Today would have been Marshall's 21st birthday. So many people connect the 21st birthday with alcohol. I was trying to just think if I could ever remember a time when Marshall had or tried an alcoholic beverage ... I couldn't think of one. Maybe champagne at New Years that one year Mom and Dad bought some.

Today I worked the day shift at Brack (7am-3pm) and I was so busy all day that I did not have time to think about anything (ALL of our beds were full!). After my shift was over, I went upstairs to the 8th floor where most of Mason's hospital stay was spent last year. I didn't really have a plan or know why I was going to the 8th floor, for I hadn't been up there since the day Mason was discharged. As soon as I got off the elevator, I noticed the distinct smell of the floor and it brought back the two weeks in the hospital all in one moment. I had never noticed a unique smell of the floor before - not a bad or good smell, just distinct. One of the staff members who I had talked with a lot while Mason was in the hospital was sitting at the nurses' station! She recognised me and asked me all in one breath, "Oh how are you how is your family how is your brother?!" It was so good to see her. I recognised some of the nurses too.

In the evening, Derek and I had dinner at Home (my parents' house) and afterwards we went to the cemetery. Thanks to everyone who sent cards and emails to remember this day and comfort us. We read those and Hannah had sent a letter she wrote to Marshall that we put on his grave.



My dad received in the mail today a packet from the medical examiner. It contained about 6 pages of detailed descriptions of Marshall's body - the results of an autopsy the Army had ordered. We sat on some benches near Marshall's grave and Mom read it aloud by flashlight. It used medical terminology so I'm not sure how much everyone else understood it, but the main things that struck us were:
- It confirmed that Marshall died immediately on impact.
- Marshall's skin was 95% charred but internally he was barely injured, except for his brain (which suffered bruising and hemorrhage).
- The only fractures he sustained were in his feet.
- It concluded that his death was immediate from blunt head trauma, smoke inhalation, and thermal trauma.
It was written scholarly enough that it didn't seem as hard to read as we all thought it was going to be. I still wish to this day that I could have seen his body, but at the time everyone had advised against it (and the medical examiners office said it wasn't allowed). They do have pictures at the medical examiner's office, and that is a comfort just so I know that they are there if I ever want to look at them.
Travis County Office of the Medical Examiner

At the grave site, I felt like my grief was all stored up and just needed to come out, but instead of feeling sad I felt mad. It wasn't the "why did this happen" mad, but the "leave me alone" mad. I just wanted everyone and everything to go away and leave me in the dark by myself so I could talk to Marshall and tell him everything. Of course that didn't happen and I guess instead I just felt impatient and wanting it to be over. And I wanted to know what was going on in Mason's head. He didn't say anything really the whole time. Oh, Mace, my heart just cries for you! I love you so much! I wish I could do anything for you! It wasn't until Derek and I got back to our apartment that I finally let go and just cried and cried. It's weird to have so many images of Marshall's body that the report created in my head. One thing that Dad reminded us of was that Marshall will get a new body someday. As it says in the Bible, all believers will be resurrected when Christ returns and each will be given a new body - perfect, healthy, and whole!

I'm tired and I need to go to bed. School has been crazy busy and I just have to keep working a little longer until graduation!

We miss Marshall terribly but we are so grateful that Mason's life was saved. These next few months will be extra difficult.

Love,
Heidi

10

I don't really have anything new to say. I just need to say something right now ... The tenth 22nd of my life without Marshall came and went. I worked on Saturday, 7am to 3pm. My heart felt heavy all day. I cried on the way home, and when I got home from work. I was short with Derek. Finally I told him I was sad because of Marshall. He just held me and let me cry. There isn't really much one can do I guess. I wanted my mom. We understand each other.

Ten was Marshall's favorite number. He was born on 10/10. For some reason it was hard for me to except this 22nd. 10 just seems too close to one year. But in some ways I am looking forward to Nov. 22nd because I want to remember Marshall. There is something so healing for me in thinking about him and all the good memories. But there is also so much pain. I guess it's that I long for him so much that there is a little pleasure in having the memories of him ...

I can't write anymore. Too many tears. I'll find something better to say another time.

I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
- Psalm 121:1-2

Love,
Heidi

Mason's Poem

Mason had to write a poem in school. He choose to write about one of the last times he spent with Marshall. He wrote about this picture. Here is the photo and Mason's poem.

By Mason
September 5th, 2007

There we were standing in the back yard,

I see my brother strapping on some gear

Under the large shade trees,

The green leaves prospering like tiny villages

In the sunlight, I see my father, my little brother,
My friend and my soon to be brother-in-law
With paintballs around their waists and guns in their hands
With the open woods behind them,

Its foliage blowing in the summer breeze,

We were family, we were hot, all we knew was we were having a good time,

We would never be apart,

I want to stop that moment in time and replay it,

None of us ever imagined not doing things together,

We thought we would grow old together,

We thought we would all have each other,

I want to go up to them there in the hot afternoon and say it,

Their eager happy faces smiling for the camera,

Their sweaty anticipatory figures,

But I could not do it, I didn’t want our last time together to

Be overshadowed by fear and worry,

So I sit there watching, wishing that time had never ended.

Marshall's Maple

Marshall's little tree is growing bigger! It is flourishing. Dad put new mulch around it recently and a little soldier guards the trunk.






"Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants . . ."

Heidi

R.I.P.

I read this in my quiet time this morning:

The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
Those who walk uprightly enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.

- Isaiah 57:1-2

Have I even read this before? It was underlined in my Bible. I need to be reminded of this! Did someone share this verse with me soon after Marshall's death? Probably. People shared a lot of encouraging words, and I would keep telling myself to write them down so that I could actually process them later. Now I can let myself think about these things. It is hard to understand why God took Marshall away, and that is exactly what this verse is saying. Isn't that what people always ask? "Why did God do this to me?" God always has a grand purpose that is good for everything that happens on this earth. I forget that. Marshall's death spared him from evil. Marshall was immediately taken from this fallen world into blissful reality. He went from seeing shadows of truth to seeing Truth itself! Marshall is in peace. He is at rest. His soul really is "resting in peace."

I miss his uniqueness. I miss being around him. I miss his presence, his personality. Last night at Bible study we were sharing the results of a personality test we had taken, and I couldn't help but think of Marshall when I saw the characteristics of "Reserved." He fit them so perfectly!

- works alone or one on one (definitely)
- be serious (not so much Marshall)
- be practical
- not worry about what others think (definitely him!)
- be modest
- work quietly and listen (definitely - I worked along side of him a lot and he would do the job quietly, quickly, and perfectly. He was also a good listener. Sometimes on the way to school or on the way back home, I would just be driving and blabbing and he would just listen to me ... )
- be withdrawn, alone
- appear secretive
- be pessimistic
- be curt
- appear shy
- drained by social contact (not so much Marshall - I wouldn't say he was drained by it, he just went with the flow, but normally wouldn't seek out contact of people he didn't know very well.)

Mom used to say he was like a Labrador Retriever. I imagine a big, gentle yellow lab with shaggy hair ... laid back, doesn't get too excited or too angry about anything, even-paced, patient, very loyal, but has this firey streak in him that lashes out when someone puts his family in danger.

I just miss knowing him. I am afraid I will forget who he was. IS, Heidi, IS! Who he IS! I have to keep reminding myself that he still IS - he is still the same person who God made him to be. Now that he is with his Creator, he is all the more the Marshall God made him to be now that sin is not warping that beautiful creation. Oh I can't wait to see him again! I wonder what he looks like? I wonder what he is doing right now? Will he look the same? Will he still be 20, skinny, cute, and smart? I want to see that little smirk again - when he knows he's just said something funny and you look over at him and there he is, just sitting there with that sparkle in his eyes and that little smirk on his face. Oh gosh I miss him. Tears are streaming down my face ... I'm crying for Mason too ... I wonder what he is thinking about while at Basic Training ... does he not think of his brother all the time? His letters are so like Marshall's - even the handwriting looks the same.

I just realized that this Blog is called, "Hagen Updates" but I'm not a Hagen anymore! Oh well.

Heidi

Inside my head

I don't know what to say. The pain is here again. But it's different this time. I'm different. God has done something amazing through marriage. There was this huge hump of grief before me, and I think that I was so happy and so excited and so in love that God got me over that hump. It was like a haze around me and Derek was my sunshine that broke through. God allowed me to be happy again - not just regular happy but to feel a deep, deep peace, excitement, satisfaction, joy. After the wedding and the honeymoon and all that, I still miss Marshall like crazy, but I feel like I am more like myself again - finally. I can be free. I can be carefree. Derek brings out the little Heidi and it feels so good to be that little girl again! I don't have to feel sad for Marshall. I used to feel guilty whenever I would start to feel happy because somehow it felt like I wasn't appreciating Marshall enough if I was happy that he was gone. It wasn't that I was happy that he was gone, but somehow my mind made it out to be that way. But now, it's like God gave me a license to be happy. Truly happy, completely happy - oh, how can I describe it? So marriage is wonderful and God is good. I still miss Marshall like crazy. I don't think that will every go away, and I'm not sure I even want it to.

I recently started my summer internship at Seton and last week I went out to buy scrubs. There were some black ones on sale and I was going to buy the pants anyways, but I went ahead and bought the shirt too so I could wear black on the 22nd of the month. Satan tells me that's dumb. No one really understands. But black was Marshall's favorite color and it is just something I can DO every month for me to remember him by. I almost look forward to the 22nd because it gives me a chance to think about him and remember him. A lot of the time I just block it out because it is too painful. But I try to release it on the 22nd. So it has been 7 months. Can you believe it? That's more than half a year we've been living without him. There is this girl at work who I am just loving getting to know - she is one of the CAs (clinical assistant) and she is super sweet. Yesterday she was showing me a picture of her brother on her phone and she said, "That's my brother Marshall." I gasped. "Marshall??!????" I said, "You have a brother named Marshall?" "Yeah ... why?" Oh. And then I didn't know how to begin. There was another co-worker there. I just said something about my brothers in a car accident in November and he died and my other brother was on the 8th floor for two weeks, etc. Their faces immediately turned sad and concerned and they just seemed like they wanted to comfort me. "Oh I'm so sorry. That's so sad." That's pretty much the best thing people can say. I got all hot and embarrassed and I felt my face turning red. I couldn't say anything else except, "yeah." Hopefully we will get to talk more.

Well, I guess I found something to say. God is working. May I never, ever forget it.

Love,
Heidi

6 Months

Yesterday was 6 months. Half a year! It doesn't seem that long, but sometimes it feels like forever ago since I last saw him. I wore all black like I always do on the 22nd. Marshall liked black. I have been so caught up in wedding stuff these past few weeks that I haven't even had time to let myself grieve or even think about Marshall. So yesterday when we went to the grave site, it was just all bursting to come out. Mason drove us to the cemetery but stayed in the van the whole time. :-( Mom, Dad, and Madison worked on the grave: we put a vase with flowers and two flags at the head of the grave for Memorial Day and Mom and Madison made a cross with rocks.

But I didn't want to be near anyone. I walked around the cemetery looking at other graves. People do a lot for their dead. I cried this time and I was sad. But I did feel a lot of peace about the situation. Marshall is in heaven. I will see him again someday soon! That is what I have to keep repeating to myself. Marshall will be at my wedding in spirit. I just hope that I will be happy on my wedding day and not crying that he is not there. God is with me always and Marshal is with our Lord; that is much to be happy about, besides the fact that I am marrying the most wonderful man! But I still wish my brother were here. I just miss his presence. Even when he was in Iraq, it was so different. He wasn't here, but he was somewhere. He was in Iraq. It was a specific place that I knew where he was and I could think about him and imagine what he was doing right then and pray for him. For a while after his death I caught myself starting to pray for him in Iraq, just out of habit because I did it so often before. "And God, please be with Marshall right now in Ir --- oh, wait." And then it would just make me so sad to remember, "Heidi, he's not in Iraq. He's dead." But he is somewhere. The good thing about visiting the cemetery is that it always makes me think of the coming resurrection. If anything, one of the best things that has come from my brother going to heaven has been that I think about heaven and the next life so much more! Paul says, "Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." Applying that has become much less of a struggle.

So I can rest in that Marshall is in the happiest place, and God will be with me in four days at my wedding. I think that God will make it an extra special day and will fill me with joy and not sorrow. You, dear reader, can pray for that.

Love,
Heidi

Marshall's Head Stone

We went to Marshall's grave this morning and placed his head stone from the Army. Cecil, the owner and caretaker of Live Oak Cemetery, was there with his great grandson and showed us where to put it. He said to my dad, "I don't know if you know this, but my wife died on the 20th." She died just 5 days after their 71st anniversary! Cecil is 94 and his wife was 95 when she died last Friday (April 20). Wow. I can't even imagine living 71 years together with the same person. Cecil also had a brother die in Iwo Jima. We saw his wife's grave as we were driving out of the cemetery; it was in the older part next to his brother.

We dug a little hole and placed the head stone in it at the top of the grave. It was quiet. I took some pictures. Mom and Mason said almost nothing. I felt numb. I didn't cry at all. It was too sureal. Is this really happening? We aren't really putting a tomb stone on my brother's grave, are we? His birth and death dates are entirely too close together. October 10, 1986 - November 22, 2006.

Death is all around us. People die. Maybe someday I won't be so stunned at that thought. Cecil's wife died. His brother was killed. It happens to everyone.

So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him. All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not. ... Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

- Ecclesiastes 9:1-2, 10

the existing grave marker

Derek digging the hole

Mason and Derek setting the grave marker in place

Love,
Heidi

Birthday

Marshall and Mason in the Bluebonnets on Easter

Today is Marshall's Spiritual Birthday. That means that about 15 years ago when he was 4 or 5 years old he accepted Christ into his heart as His Savior. We didn't know the exact day it happened, but he remembered it was in April, so he picked the 10th day of April to celebrate it. I remember when he was baptised (he was around 10 years old I think) in the lake he had to give his testimony first - that is the story of how he was saved. He told it like he always did: "Well, I got saved by a trash can." I don't remember if he added anything to that. :-) Does anyone remember his baptism? I just remember it being cold and Marshall being small and skinny, of course. But he was so happy!

On November 22, 2006, Marshall understood more than ever before the importance of that little prayer he made by the trash can in his room when he was a little boy. He finally got to meet the God he swore to follow! And God said to him, "Well, done, good and faithful servant! Come and share your master's happiness!"

Marshall's Slideshow

Update: Slideshow can now be viewed from the link in this post.

Original Post:

I made a slideshow of pictures of Marshall. I made it just for me because it helps me to go through all the memories again, but I thought it would mean a lot if I posted it for everyone. So here you go.

This is only a shadow of Marshall. There is nothing that can show who he really was adequately, but in this project I tried to preserve some of his uniqueness. The first song is "In the Secret," which was one of the songs we sung at his funeral. It was special to Marshall because it was a song we used to sing at our church (Liveoak) and when he went to a different church when he was in the Army, he was encouraged when they sang this familiar song. The second song is by Marshall's favorite band, Demon Hunter. It is actually my favorite song by them and I know it was one of Marshall's as well. Listen closely as the lyrics are very appropriate for Marshall's situation. It brings me to tears.

There are two files:
large file with music (35 MB) [click to download]
smaller file without music (13 MB) [click to download]

They are in zip folders so you have to just extract the file to view it. The slideshow is pretty long, a little over 10 min. Plan ahead before you watch this: it may be hard to sit through, especially if you knew Marshall and/or his family well.

I still miss him dearly. Some days are seemingly normal and others are terrible. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It has been a little over 4 months.

Please comment if you have anything to say, any reaction to the slideshow, any suggestions, etc. You can also email me.

Love,
Heidi

More A Grief Observed

"... all human relationships end in pain - it is the price that our imperfection has allowed Satan to exact from us for the privilege of love."

- C. S. Lewis' step-son Douglas Gresham

in the introduction to A Grief Observed

Heidi