Today I worked the day shift at Brack (7am-3pm) and I was so busy all day that I did not have time to think about anything (ALL of our beds were full!). After my shift was over, I went upstairs to the 8th floor where most of Mason's hospital stay was spent last year. I didn't really have a plan or know why I was going to the 8th floor, for I hadn't been up there since the day Mason was discharged. As soon as I got off the elevator, I noticed the distinct smell of the floor and it brought back the two weeks in the hospital all in one moment. I had never noticed a unique smell of the floor before - not a bad or good smell, just distinct. One of the staff members who I had talked with a lot while Mason was in the hospital was sitting at the nurses' station! She recognised me and asked me all in one breath, "Oh how are you how is your family how is your brother?!" It was so good to see her. I recognised some of the nurses too.
In the evening, Derek and I had dinner at Home (my parents' house) and afterwards we went to the cemetery. Thanks to everyone who sent cards and emails to remember this day and comfort us. We read those and Hannah had sent a letter she wrote to Marshall that we put on his grave.
My dad received in the mail today a packet from the medical examiner. It contained about 6 pages of detailed descriptions of Marshall's body - the results of an autopsy the Army had ordered. We sat on some benches near Marshall's grave and Mom read it aloud by flashlight. It used medical terminology so I'm not sure how much everyone else understood it, but the main things that struck us were:
- It confirmed that Marshall died immediately on impact.
- Marshall's skin was 95% charred but internally he was barely injured, except for his brain (which suffered bruising and hemorrhage).
- The only fractures he sustained were in his feet.
- It concluded that his death was immediate from blunt head trauma, smoke inhalation, and thermal trauma.
It was written scholarly enough that it didn't seem as hard to read as we all thought it was going to be. I still wish to this day that I could have seen his body, but at the time everyone had advised against it (and the medical examiners office said it wasn't allowed). They do have pictures at the medical examiner's office, and that is a comfort just so I know that they are there if I ever want to look at them.
Travis County Office of the Medical Examiner
At the grave site, I felt like my grief was all stored up and just needed to come out, but instead of feeling sad I felt mad. It wasn't the "why did this happen" mad, but the "leave me alone" mad. I just wanted everyone and everything to go away and leave me in the dark by myself so I could talk to Marshall and tell him everything. Of course that didn't happen and I guess instead I just felt impatient and wanting it to be over. And I wanted to know what was going on in Mason's head. He didn't say anything really the whole time. Oh, Mace, my heart just cries for you! I love you so much! I wish I could do anything for you! It wasn't until Derek and I got back to our apartment that I finally let go and just cried and cried. It's weird to have so many images of Marshall's body that the report created in my head. One thing that Dad reminded us of was that Marshall will get a new body someday. As it says in the Bible, all believers will be resurrected when Christ returns and each will be given a new body - perfect, healthy, and whole!
I'm tired and I need to go to bed. School has been crazy busy and I just have to keep working a little longer until graduation!
We miss Marshall terribly but we are so grateful that Mason's life was saved. These next few months will be extra difficult.
Love,
Heidi
4 comments:
oh heidi, yes, I thought of Marshall all day yesterday. I wondered how you guys were doing and if you were going to the gravesite. I am glad you got the medical examiners report. It still feels so weird that he's not here anymore. I remembered him a lot while I was home as my brother dan is 21. Dan and Marshall are so different but they are boys, and sons, and brothers, and love music, and God, and being boys...
Thanks for updating the blog.
-m
oh heid...i loooove hearing your thoughts, even though your pain aches my heart.
yes, it is a blessing that Mace's life was saved...the more I'm in PT school and hear about the majority of long term disability from car accidents, the more i am amazed and in awe as I think of how perfectly Face healed up!!! it really is a miracle...an evident act of God...oh praise the Lord for Face...
I'm glad it wasn't as difficult as y'all were expecting to read the medical report...it gives me shivers and tears my heart just to TRY to imagine what his body must have looked like...i can't imagine trying to read the report...but your desire to want to see him makes sense...it does seem comforting to know that they have pictures if you ever decide to go look...
i love you Heid...thanks so much for sharing and continuing to keep this blog updated.
Heidi, thank you for an inside look into your family's time together and your heart...I wondered how that day had gone. I was very relieved when I read that they confirmed that he died immediately. I've often wondered. I guess I'm still wondering, "How do they figure out those kinds of things?" I love you and miss you.
Karina, I remember talking with the medical examiner in the emergency room at Brackenridge not long after the accident. Dad and Mom just couldn't talk to her so the phone was handed to me. One of the first things the medical examiner told me was that it was obvious that he had been killed immediately on impact. How do they know that? Well, for one thing, the smoke wasn't even IN his lungs; it was only in his upper airway (trachea and main bronchi), meaning that he died before he even took a single breath after the van caught on fire (which was seconds after impact). Smoke/air is pulled into your lungs using the diaphragm, a skeletal muscle; it doesn't passively flow into the lungs (it passively flows OUT). Does this make sense? So, I think that he died from head impact (thus all the blood in his brain) which occured as soon as the vans hit. The smoke filled the upper airways of his body passively as Marshall was seeing the face of the Lord!
-Heidi
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