I have been longing to write on this blog for months. I think about it all the time. But I haven't been able to find words to say. I just have all of these feelings, but I don't have any nice story, or photo, or verse to go along with them in order to help describe them; just unripe feelings.
I was talking with my dear roommate Ursula the other night (or maybe it was day, I loose track) about how I was feeling sad about Marshall stuff again. And she said that she didn't think things are resolved with me. Then a few nights later we talked for hours about the day of the accident and the aftermath. I shared my story, Derek his, and Ursula hers. Everyone has a different story to tell. Where they were when they got the call. What they felt. What they did. How they grieved.
Dedicated men and women of faith say that the hardest times in life were also the best because they brought them closer to God and/or to loved ones. The couples who struggle with infertility talk about how their marriage grew stronger because they had to rely on each other and give it up to God continually. The singles who hurt from broken relationships speak of the wonderful healing God has brought them. The missionary who waited for 5 years before seeing the first fruit declares that God did a great work in him during that time. These are amazing stories and testiments of the work of God. But then I ask myself, why is it that the biggest, hardest, most hurtful and tragic thing that has ever happened to me has not left me feeling closer to God at all? Instead I feel simply numb. I wouldn't say distant from God - I feel like I kept the communication open - but just not as connected as I would expect after such a tragedy.
Dehiscence has two meanings:
One is the gapping or rupture of a wound, like when the two sides won't heal together.
But another is the splitting or bursting of a seed to yield fruit.
But another is the splitting or bursting of a seed to yield fruit.
Perhaps I feel both at the same time. My heart has been ripped open and won't close up. Somestimes it pretends like it is healed, but then it gets bumped by the very slightest corner and falls all open and bleeding again. But perhaps this will keep happening until it bursts to bear fruit, to yeild some sort of good thing in the mess. God, where is the healing that comes after the wound? There is a scab and it comes off and bleeds but just scabs right back over again. Isn't there something I need to "work through"? What have I learned from Marshall's death? How have I grown closer to You, Lord? Make me understand! Give me some sort of retribution, conclusion, resolution, anything. Do I need to dig deeper, Lord, in order for You to heal me? What am I withholding?
Oh, perhaps I just need to be patient. Perhaps I am rushing the process. I know that there will never be complete healing until Christ Jesus returns for us and rescues us from everything. And then He will "make all things new." I wonder if a new heart comes with my new body. Will I remember all the hurt? Is remembering painful?
Heidi
6 comments:
Thank you for teaching me about dehiscence. I had no idea what it meant. I think your feelings are normal. I woke up this morning from another dream of mourning for Marshall and I thought some of the same things. How long does it take to heal? But maybe healing is only a process and the scab never forms completely.
I love you.
Oh and I like the new look to the blog!
Hannah
Thanks, Han, for the comment. I am sorry you are still having dreams about Marshall. I have had a few but not in a while.
Last night Mason got back from AIT and he stopped by with Mom and Dad on their way back from MO. I was taken aback when he showed up in his BUDs; I wasn't expecting him to still be dressed in his army gear. Or course it reminded me of Marshall - he just looks so much like him! I know there are a lot of differences (he talks more and is a lot bigger) but still, I can't NOT think about Marshall whenever I see him in his army gear.
Continuing to pray for you . . . remember that the Lord is faithful and He sometimes heals in quiet ways. Hang in there! Good to see you blog again. Great word and photo.
~ Konni
Heid, how'd you ever find that word?? Its two definitions so perfectly describe the results of suffering and trials in the Christian's life. A thought I had as I was reading your blog is that maybe God wasn't trying to teach you one big thing through Marshall's death. It might just be a million "little" things--like this world is fallen, God is sovereign, He works through the body of Christ to bring healing, He is the ultimate Healer, you'll have pain in this life, your dad really loves you tremendously, your mom loves you tremendously, and so on. And maybe God won't wrap up what He's teaching you (or His healing) in a nice little package. Maybe He wants to use it for the rest of your life. He's still using my dad's death in mine.
Oh, Karin - Wise Bear - good thoughts. Yes, God will continue to use this for the rest of my life. I think I just need to be patient in the healing process. You're right on with all of those things God has taught me and continues to teach me, and one of the biggest things is that God is the only one who will ever understand me completely and I cant expect others to fill that.
I actually learned the word "dehiscence" in nursing school; it's a common wound care word and I'm sure Urs knows it too. The word popped into my mind as a way to describd my feelings, so I looked it up, and couldn't believe it when I found it had other meanings about seeds, etc.
Oh my goodness I can't believe it's been so long since I've checked your blog!!!! I know it's been awhile since I've done any blogging, but I didn't realize it's been THAT long...thank goodness I live with you dear friend!!! :)
Your post was encouraging and bittersweet at the same time to read Heid...you shared many good thoughts.
I love the word dehiscence! What a great word to describe your poor heart. I feel as if it's ironic that almost all of the questions you asked God in the last paragraph are questions I've cried out myself to God during and after difficult seasons in my life...I know it's not good to compare, but I think it's fair to say that none of my difficult seasons have been as difficult as losing an extremely close loved one...perhaps the Lord just wants us to ask Him those questions and communicate with Him at a different level...so He puts occasions in our life to do so? Your thought about patience is hard to swallow as I think about your heart...the Lord has His timing and perhaps He is waiting for the perfect timing and the perfect way to heal your heart...I love Wise Bear's thoughts and I'm so glad you have Hannah Lyn as a good sister to relate with through all this. (I second Han's comment on liking your new blog look!)
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