"We just passed 2 billboards. 1st one said: Marshall. Best Decision Ever. 2nd one said: After you die, you will meet God. Hebrews 9:27."
As I was praising God with Mom that Marshall was with God, I thought about how much effort it must take to trust God in cases when your loved one did not accept Christ. It must take a whole lot of faith in God's sovereign and perfect plan to somehow come to terms with the fact that the one you love is in hell - separated from all Good - forever. And that this is part of God's good and perfect story. I think believing that would be extremely difficult for me; perhaps God gives special grace to those who must live with knowing that about their friend or family member.
So I guess it's not too surprising that I dreamed about Marshall again last night. I was at an OB-GYN clinic waiting with a friend or doula client. She suddenly gave birth right there in the chair, and I caught the baby. The baby was premature and had hydrocephalus (swelling in the skull that causes an enlarged head). So we wrapped him in a blanket and got her downstairs and outside to the place where the ambulance would pick her up and take her and her baby to the hospital.
While waiting there on the curb, Marshall walked up next to me, grinning. He looked exactly the same: young, skinny, tan. He was wearing that red t-shirt of his with the words across it (nikeathletics I think) and his black trench coat, open. His hair wasn't Army-buzzed - it was longer and spiky like he used to have it. My jaw dropped; I couldn't speak right away. I flung my arms around him and choked out, "Marshall! Marshall! But how? How are you here?!" And he just smiled. Then I don't know if we talked or if these were just my thoughts: "But we thought you were dead!" "Well, I'm alive! Here I am!" "Well how did you get here? What happened? Why haven't we seen you in all these years?"
My brain was trying to give logic to a story that is completely illogical.
Then I woke up - it was morning - and for that tinniest fraction of a second, I thought it was possible - that it made sense that Marshall could still be alive somewhere and show up in front of a clinic.
I think my mind considers this a possibility because I never got to say good-bye, watch him pass, or see his dead body. I used to make up all sorts of scenarios about how maybe he really isn't dead and he will come back into our lives in a moment.
I still think of him and cry and long to hug him and see him again, but most of the heart-wrenching, hole-in-my-heart grief is gone, or, more likely, healed over. This year I have been learning about trusting in God's plan for my life and choosing to believe that ALL of it was/is good - therefore, Marshall's death and its circumstances and timing were good. Good for him, good for Mason, good for our family, good for every person. I still don't see HOW it was good, but I believe it was/is. Once I believe it is good it doesn't stop there - it's not a one-time thing. It's a continual believing that I believe God is who He says He is and that I can have peace and joy that everything that happens has a good purpose for my life and is God's great plan. The ladies who are taking the Beth Moore Believing God study with me will find this very familiar. I believe these things because God says so in His Word; therefore, I must believe it. After I force myself to believe it, I experience such a weight lifted from me that I wonder why I didn't believe it all along! (Because someone doesn't want us to).
Thanks for reading,
Heidi
Matthew 10:28-29:
28 And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.
Matthew 25:41-46:
41 “Then He will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ... ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
John 3:36:
36 Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.
John 3:17:
17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.
God desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:4).
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| I saw this when searching for the Marshall heading above. |
2 comments:
so cool and encouraging. Thanks for sharing about the billboards your mom saw and your thoughts about loved ones in hell. I've wrestled with that so many times.
Heidi, as often as you have spoken about Marshall, I have felt touched with how much you love him and your other brothers. I know you love Hannah too, but I feel moved by the love there is between sister and brothers in your family. It has ministered to me ever since I have know you all.
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