Birthday

Today would have been Marshall's 21st birthday. So many people connect the 21st birthday with alcohol. I was trying to just think if I could ever remember a time when Marshall had or tried an alcoholic beverage ... I couldn't think of one. Maybe champagne at New Years that one year Mom and Dad bought some.

Today I worked the day shift at Brack (7am-3pm) and I was so busy all day that I did not have time to think about anything (ALL of our beds were full!). After my shift was over, I went upstairs to the 8th floor where most of Mason's hospital stay was spent last year. I didn't really have a plan or know why I was going to the 8th floor, for I hadn't been up there since the day Mason was discharged. As soon as I got off the elevator, I noticed the distinct smell of the floor and it brought back the two weeks in the hospital all in one moment. I had never noticed a unique smell of the floor before - not a bad or good smell, just distinct. One of the staff members who I had talked with a lot while Mason was in the hospital was sitting at the nurses' station! She recognised me and asked me all in one breath, "Oh how are you how is your family how is your brother?!" It was so good to see her. I recognised some of the nurses too.

In the evening, Derek and I had dinner at Home (my parents' house) and afterwards we went to the cemetery. Thanks to everyone who sent cards and emails to remember this day and comfort us. We read those and Hannah had sent a letter she wrote to Marshall that we put on his grave.



My dad received in the mail today a packet from the medical examiner. It contained about 6 pages of detailed descriptions of Marshall's body - the results of an autopsy the Army had ordered. We sat on some benches near Marshall's grave and Mom read it aloud by flashlight. It used medical terminology so I'm not sure how much everyone else understood it, but the main things that struck us were:
- It confirmed that Marshall died immediately on impact.
- Marshall's skin was 95% charred but internally he was barely injured, except for his brain (which suffered bruising and hemorrhage).
- The only fractures he sustained were in his feet.
- It concluded that his death was immediate from blunt head trauma, smoke inhalation, and thermal trauma.
It was written scholarly enough that it didn't seem as hard to read as we all thought it was going to be. I still wish to this day that I could have seen his body, but at the time everyone had advised against it (and the medical examiners office said it wasn't allowed). They do have pictures at the medical examiner's office, and that is a comfort just so I know that they are there if I ever want to look at them.
Travis County Office of the Medical Examiner

At the grave site, I felt like my grief was all stored up and just needed to come out, but instead of feeling sad I felt mad. It wasn't the "why did this happen" mad, but the "leave me alone" mad. I just wanted everyone and everything to go away and leave me in the dark by myself so I could talk to Marshall and tell him everything. Of course that didn't happen and I guess instead I just felt impatient and wanting it to be over. And I wanted to know what was going on in Mason's head. He didn't say anything really the whole time. Oh, Mace, my heart just cries for you! I love you so much! I wish I could do anything for you! It wasn't until Derek and I got back to our apartment that I finally let go and just cried and cried. It's weird to have so many images of Marshall's body that the report created in my head. One thing that Dad reminded us of was that Marshall will get a new body someday. As it says in the Bible, all believers will be resurrected when Christ returns and each will be given a new body - perfect, healthy, and whole!

I'm tired and I need to go to bed. School has been crazy busy and I just have to keep working a little longer until graduation!

We miss Marshall terribly but we are so grateful that Mason's life was saved. These next few months will be extra difficult.

Love,
Heidi

10

I don't really have anything new to say. I just need to say something right now ... The tenth 22nd of my life without Marshall came and went. I worked on Saturday, 7am to 3pm. My heart felt heavy all day. I cried on the way home, and when I got home from work. I was short with Derek. Finally I told him I was sad because of Marshall. He just held me and let me cry. There isn't really much one can do I guess. I wanted my mom. We understand each other.

Ten was Marshall's favorite number. He was born on 10/10. For some reason it was hard for me to except this 22nd. 10 just seems too close to one year. But in some ways I am looking forward to Nov. 22nd because I want to remember Marshall. There is something so healing for me in thinking about him and all the good memories. But there is also so much pain. I guess it's that I long for him so much that there is a little pleasure in having the memories of him ...

I can't write anymore. Too many tears. I'll find something better to say another time.

I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
- Psalm 121:1-2

Love,
Heidi

Cry Out to Jesus

A heard this song on the radio last week and though I have heard it so many times before and I even own the CD it is on, I never had really listened to all of the words before. As soon as I listened to the first few lines tears where streaming down my face as I thought of Marshall, of course. Oh there is so much pain and hurt and saddness in this world. I just want it to all go away! Go away! Sometimes it just leaves me really longing for heaven. Here are the lyrics. Our only solution really is just to cry out to Him.

----------
Third Day - Cry Out To Jesus
From the album Wherever You Are

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus:
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They’ve lost all of their faith in love
And they've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

Chorus

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Chorus
----------

Of course the days were not long enough. And I never did get to say goodbye.

Love,
Heidi

Mason's Poem

Mason had to write a poem in school. He choose to write about one of the last times he spent with Marshall. He wrote about this picture. Here is the photo and Mason's poem.

By Mason
September 5th, 2007

There we were standing in the back yard,

I see my brother strapping on some gear

Under the large shade trees,

The green leaves prospering like tiny villages

In the sunlight, I see my father, my little brother,
My friend and my soon to be brother-in-law
With paintballs around their waists and guns in their hands
With the open woods behind them,

Its foliage blowing in the summer breeze,

We were family, we were hot, all we knew was we were having a good time,

We would never be apart,

I want to stop that moment in time and replay it,

None of us ever imagined not doing things together,

We thought we would grow old together,

We thought we would all have each other,

I want to go up to them there in the hot afternoon and say it,

Their eager happy faces smiling for the camera,

Their sweaty anticipatory figures,

But I could not do it, I didn’t want our last time together to

Be overshadowed by fear and worry,

So I sit there watching, wishing that time had never ended.

Marshall's Maple

Marshall's little tree is growing bigger! It is flourishing. Dad put new mulch around it recently and a little soldier guards the trunk.






"Then our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants . . ."

Heidi

R.I.P.

I read this in my quiet time this morning:

The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
Those who walk uprightly enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death.

- Isaiah 57:1-2

Have I even read this before? It was underlined in my Bible. I need to be reminded of this! Did someone share this verse with me soon after Marshall's death? Probably. People shared a lot of encouraging words, and I would keep telling myself to write them down so that I could actually process them later. Now I can let myself think about these things. It is hard to understand why God took Marshall away, and that is exactly what this verse is saying. Isn't that what people always ask? "Why did God do this to me?" God always has a grand purpose that is good for everything that happens on this earth. I forget that. Marshall's death spared him from evil. Marshall was immediately taken from this fallen world into blissful reality. He went from seeing shadows of truth to seeing Truth itself! Marshall is in peace. He is at rest. His soul really is "resting in peace."

I miss his uniqueness. I miss being around him. I miss his presence, his personality. Last night at Bible study we were sharing the results of a personality test we had taken, and I couldn't help but think of Marshall when I saw the characteristics of "Reserved." He fit them so perfectly!

- works alone or one on one (definitely)
- be serious (not so much Marshall)
- be practical
- not worry about what others think (definitely him!)
- be modest
- work quietly and listen (definitely - I worked along side of him a lot and he would do the job quietly, quickly, and perfectly. He was also a good listener. Sometimes on the way to school or on the way back home, I would just be driving and blabbing and he would just listen to me ... )
- be withdrawn, alone
- appear secretive
- be pessimistic
- be curt
- appear shy
- drained by social contact (not so much Marshall - I wouldn't say he was drained by it, he just went with the flow, but normally wouldn't seek out contact of people he didn't know very well.)

Mom used to say he was like a Labrador Retriever. I imagine a big, gentle yellow lab with shaggy hair ... laid back, doesn't get too excited or too angry about anything, even-paced, patient, very loyal, but has this firey streak in him that lashes out when someone puts his family in danger.

I just miss knowing him. I am afraid I will forget who he was. IS, Heidi, IS! Who he IS! I have to keep reminding myself that he still IS - he is still the same person who God made him to be. Now that he is with his Creator, he is all the more the Marshall God made him to be now that sin is not warping that beautiful creation. Oh I can't wait to see him again! I wonder what he looks like? I wonder what he is doing right now? Will he look the same? Will he still be 20, skinny, cute, and smart? I want to see that little smirk again - when he knows he's just said something funny and you look over at him and there he is, just sitting there with that sparkle in his eyes and that little smirk on his face. Oh gosh I miss him. Tears are streaming down my face ... I'm crying for Mason too ... I wonder what he is thinking about while at Basic Training ... does he not think of his brother all the time? His letters are so like Marshall's - even the handwriting looks the same.

I just realized that this Blog is called, "Hagen Updates" but I'm not a Hagen anymore! Oh well.

Heidi

Inside my head

I don't know what to say. The pain is here again. But it's different this time. I'm different. God has done something amazing through marriage. There was this huge hump of grief before me, and I think that I was so happy and so excited and so in love that God got me over that hump. It was like a haze around me and Derek was my sunshine that broke through. God allowed me to be happy again - not just regular happy but to feel a deep, deep peace, excitement, satisfaction, joy. After the wedding and the honeymoon and all that, I still miss Marshall like crazy, but I feel like I am more like myself again - finally. I can be free. I can be carefree. Derek brings out the little Heidi and it feels so good to be that little girl again! I don't have to feel sad for Marshall. I used to feel guilty whenever I would start to feel happy because somehow it felt like I wasn't appreciating Marshall enough if I was happy that he was gone. It wasn't that I was happy that he was gone, but somehow my mind made it out to be that way. But now, it's like God gave me a license to be happy. Truly happy, completely happy - oh, how can I describe it? So marriage is wonderful and God is good. I still miss Marshall like crazy. I don't think that will every go away, and I'm not sure I even want it to.

I recently started my summer internship at Seton and last week I went out to buy scrubs. There were some black ones on sale and I was going to buy the pants anyways, but I went ahead and bought the shirt too so I could wear black on the 22nd of the month. Satan tells me that's dumb. No one really understands. But black was Marshall's favorite color and it is just something I can DO every month for me to remember him by. I almost look forward to the 22nd because it gives me a chance to think about him and remember him. A lot of the time I just block it out because it is too painful. But I try to release it on the 22nd. So it has been 7 months. Can you believe it? That's more than half a year we've been living without him. There is this girl at work who I am just loving getting to know - she is one of the CAs (clinical assistant) and she is super sweet. Yesterday she was showing me a picture of her brother on her phone and she said, "That's my brother Marshall." I gasped. "Marshall??!????" I said, "You have a brother named Marshall?" "Yeah ... why?" Oh. And then I didn't know how to begin. There was another co-worker there. I just said something about my brothers in a car accident in November and he died and my other brother was on the 8th floor for two weeks, etc. Their faces immediately turned sad and concerned and they just seemed like they wanted to comfort me. "Oh I'm so sorry. That's so sad." That's pretty much the best thing people can say. I got all hot and embarrassed and I felt my face turning red. I couldn't say anything else except, "yeah." Hopefully we will get to talk more.

Well, I guess I found something to say. God is working. May I never, ever forget it.

Love,
Heidi

6 Months

Yesterday was 6 months. Half a year! It doesn't seem that long, but sometimes it feels like forever ago since I last saw him. I wore all black like I always do on the 22nd. Marshall liked black. I have been so caught up in wedding stuff these past few weeks that I haven't even had time to let myself grieve or even think about Marshall. So yesterday when we went to the grave site, it was just all bursting to come out. Mason drove us to the cemetery but stayed in the van the whole time. :-( Mom, Dad, and Madison worked on the grave: we put a vase with flowers and two flags at the head of the grave for Memorial Day and Mom and Madison made a cross with rocks.

But I didn't want to be near anyone. I walked around the cemetery looking at other graves. People do a lot for their dead. I cried this time and I was sad. But I did feel a lot of peace about the situation. Marshall is in heaven. I will see him again someday soon! That is what I have to keep repeating to myself. Marshall will be at my wedding in spirit. I just hope that I will be happy on my wedding day and not crying that he is not there. God is with me always and Marshal is with our Lord; that is much to be happy about, besides the fact that I am marrying the most wonderful man! But I still wish my brother were here. I just miss his presence. Even when he was in Iraq, it was so different. He wasn't here, but he was somewhere. He was in Iraq. It was a specific place that I knew where he was and I could think about him and imagine what he was doing right then and pray for him. For a while after his death I caught myself starting to pray for him in Iraq, just out of habit because I did it so often before. "And God, please be with Marshall right now in Ir --- oh, wait." And then it would just make me so sad to remember, "Heidi, he's not in Iraq. He's dead." But he is somewhere. The good thing about visiting the cemetery is that it always makes me think of the coming resurrection. If anything, one of the best things that has come from my brother going to heaven has been that I think about heaven and the next life so much more! Paul says, "Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." Applying that has become much less of a struggle.

So I can rest in that Marshall is in the happiest place, and God will be with me in four days at my wedding. I think that God will make it an extra special day and will fill me with joy and not sorrow. You, dear reader, can pray for that.

Love,
Heidi

Marshall's Head Stone

We went to Marshall's grave this morning and placed his head stone from the Army. Cecil, the owner and caretaker of Live Oak Cemetery, was there with his great grandson and showed us where to put it. He said to my dad, "I don't know if you know this, but my wife died on the 20th." She died just 5 days after their 71st anniversary! Cecil is 94 and his wife was 95 when she died last Friday (April 20). Wow. I can't even imagine living 71 years together with the same person. Cecil also had a brother die in Iwo Jima. We saw his wife's grave as we were driving out of the cemetery; it was in the older part next to his brother.

We dug a little hole and placed the head stone in it at the top of the grave. It was quiet. I took some pictures. Mom and Mason said almost nothing. I felt numb. I didn't cry at all. It was too sureal. Is this really happening? We aren't really putting a tomb stone on my brother's grave, are we? His birth and death dates are entirely too close together. October 10, 1986 - November 22, 2006.

Death is all around us. People die. Maybe someday I won't be so stunned at that thought. Cecil's wife died. His brother was killed. It happens to everyone.

So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him. All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not. ... Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

- Ecclesiastes 9:1-2, 10

the existing grave marker

Derek digging the hole

Mason and Derek setting the grave marker in place

Love,
Heidi