Are you out there?

One thing I still don't understand is how I should feel about my anger about Marshall's death because I feel like I don't have an object to which to direct my anger. So that makes it worse because I don't know why I am angry or who I am angry at. There was no "evil person" intentionally killing him as part of a genocide. Sometimes I wish he would have just died in Iraq because then I could explain it. I would more easily understand that he died for a reason, with purpose. There would be good guys and bad guys. He would have died with honor and bravery. Instead, he was hit by a car and killed in an instant. And I don't even know the people in the other car. I mean, do they even care about us? What must they be thinking? Do they know about our family? Do they know that a boy was killed in the van they hit? Did they watch the news stories? Did they secretly try to find out more information? Are they haunted with guilt? Do they still think about it today? Were they physically hurt? WHY DON'T THEY WANT TO TALK TO US???? I am just dying to know what and who and where they are! I mean, it's like Marshall's death and Mason's injuries are all tragic and everything, but we have talked about our grief, but then there is this huge pink elephant on the highway that NO ONE is talking about! Hello? Do you read this blog? Are you out there? If you're reading this, I love you and want to know if you are okay. I have prayed for you. I heard there was a woman driving with other people (kids?) in the van. I found your Ford emblem buried in the hood of my brother's burnt car. I think I left it there. If you're reading this, I want you to know that we don't blame you AT ALL. Yes, I have anger issues, but not towards you. I don't know what it's towards; it's just there because my brother isn't. God, the controller of this whole universe, destined your van to hit my brothers'. There was a hill. The speed limit is fast. You can't see over the top of that hill to see people turning in to the landfill. You did not kill my brother. Sin did. We will all die one day because of sin, and God says that He takes the righteous away in order to spare them from more evil. So, God used you to spare my brother from evil, not bring it. I hope and pray that that day, November 22, 2007, has drawn you closer to God, and that if I never meet you in this life, then someday I will see you in paradise, with Marshall.

"... no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil."
-Isaiah 57:1

Notice the date on this photo: Who would have guessed that in one year ... ?

Love,
Heidi

Memory Book

Mom and I have been working on a memory book for Marshall. Some good friends gave us a gift certificate to Shutterfly to make a photo book for Marshall. Using digital photo files, we choose the layout, style, and background for each page and they print and bind the book for us. We are very, very grateful for this gift and it will mean so much to me and my family. It is 81 pages! But we couldn't leave anything out! Come on over to my parents house for a visit and you can look through it. It has been a blessing working with my mom on it. Looking at all of the happy pictures of Marshall growing up with us, it makes me realize how sacred life is. It reminds me of the important things in life like giving time with your family, letting your boys be boys, making rules for your home but allowing them to be broken, taking time to capture the moment, whether it be video, photo, written journal, or memory alone ... I am so grateful for all those times in junior high and high school when I didn't do my homework but instead I played in the backyard with Marshall, Mason, and Madison, you know, doing the usual: building forts, climbing trees, jumping on the trampoline, jumping off sheds, escaping the lava, etc. Then I would wake up at 04:30 to hurriedly finish ... or work through lunch (which was a great excuse for not having to talk to people). Many of the pictures are in the slideshow as well, but there are more in the book. I look forward to looking at it with my family when it comes in.

Love,
Heidi

One Year - part II

After the crash site we went to the grave. There was a cross on his head stone and a little Christmas stocking. The flowers and flag were still there from Memorial Day. The amazing thing was that there was deep, lush green grass on and around his grave and the graves around his. It was so soft and it left imprints from sitting on it. I think someone must have planted it. I think it is very appropriate for our dear Marshall because he always did like grass ... he was the Moose Mower. Because it was so cold, we sat in the van to read scripture. Anyone could read or say anything they had on their heart and mind. I was quiet. I sulked in the back corner of the van. I didn't want to speak and I didn't want anyone to speak to me. I don't know why I get like that sometimes when we go to the gravesite; I just start feeling mad. It's starting to become a pattern.

One Year

So I have been wanting to post this for a long time but have just never gotten around to it, though I long to write on here more often. But I couldn't sleep tonight and I was missing Marshall intensively, so here I am.

For the one year anniversary of the accident and Marshall's death, we visited both the crash site and his grave. Hannah and Richard were able to come from Florida so that we could all be together for a few days during this time (although it never feels like "we are all together" anymore). Our dear friend and long-time church member Charlie Shrader made us a sturdy roadside cross and mom painted Marshall's name and dates on it.
As you can imagine, the drive to the site was quite terrifying, even though I had been there before. It was the first time Mason had been to the crash site since the accident, and the first time for Hannah, Richard, and Derek as well. People really do drive so crazily on that damn road. Yes, that damn road. Duh. So that's how I really feel about it. (Sorry if that's too harsh. Sometimes there are appropriate situations for that, and I think this is one of them. Wow, I feel weird; I've never used that word.) Well, Marshall is not the first person to be killed on that road; we saw two other crosses on our way there. The owner of the dump told Dad that they have petitioned the city (or maybe it is the county? I'm not sure if it is in the city limits or not) to change the road or put up caution signs or lower the speed limit, but I don't think anything has changed. They are building that new toll road over there so hopefully that will decrease the traffic on 1327.

driving to the site

sign on the landfill's fence at the entrance (yes, I know, safely)

It was very cold and windy.

Madison had to (urr, got to) climb the fence to drill the pole onto the cross. While we were discussing how we were going to do it since the lanfill is closed on Thanksgiving Day, Mom looked up and there was Madison right on the other side. "Hey, how did you get there?"

all of us

The Matrix

I watched "The Matrix" for the first time since Marshall left a few nights ago. I have his Matrix collection, which includes the movie trilogy as well as the Animatrix and the making of films, etc. It took me a long time to get up enough bravery to make myself watch it just because of all of the memories I have of Marshall associated with the Matrix. He was entranced by it. There was just something about it that had enraptured him. He wore Dad's old black trench coat, got some Neo-looking sun glasses, and even researched getting Neo's boots from Airwalk. If my memory is correct (which it is often not), I think he even wrote a paper about the spiritual themes in the Matrix. I remember him researching it. His favorite Biblical motif was the battle between good and evil. He longed to be a part of that. Video games and movies were a way he could escape into that world that he wanted to fight in so badly. His favorite Christian band was Demon Hunter, and his favorite movies besides the Matrix were films like the Underworld, LOTR, Black Hawk Down (I love this movie and Derek has Marshall's copy but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it yet), The Last Samurai, etc. Marshall took Kung Fu (like Neo) at one point and wanted to be a ninja. And sometimes when I think about Marshall's warrior heart, I think about what he must be doing in heaven right now. Now he is fighting the real battle. He is a soldier in the only true army. A soldier of heaven. A demon hunter. And I can't wait to join him.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

- Ephesians 6:12

Our Hero

One thing that helps me get past the grief of losing my brother is remembering that Mason's life was saved. If Mason had been in that van a few moments longer, he would have been completely engulfed in flames and killed like his brother. But God brought us a man to rescue him. Navor Hernandez pulled Mason out of the burning van and rolled with him on the ground to help put out the flames. Over the past year, Navor has rightfully won numerous awards for saving Mason's life without hesitation. The Central Texas Chapter of the American Red Cross presented Navor with The Adult Good Samaritan Award for 2007 at their annual Heroes Banquet on April 15th. You can see a photo of him receiving the award on the Red Cross website.


Navor was also honored with the Gold Vail Award, a prestigious award given in the telecommunications industry for life saving actions. It has been awarded less than 30 times in the past. Navor works for AT&T and he passes the site of the accident on his way to work. Navor had this read at his acceptance of the award:

Since it was announced to me that I would be receiving one of AT&T's highest awards, I was very honored. I am proud to work for a company that has gone to such lengths for one individual person like myself, to let me know that I am not just a number like we've all heard in the past about big corporations. The day of the accident changed many lives including my own. Every week I drive down that same road to go to one of my offices and just a week after the accident I noticed a giant burned mark almost 15 feet in diameter where the grass was burned from the fire of the young men's can. To this day, I cannot help but look at that spot as I drive by remembering exactly what took place that day. I have stayed in touch with the Hagen family over the past 9 months since their oldest son passed away. The few
times I've seen Mr. Hagen, the look on his face lets me know how grateful he is. Just 3 days ago, I saw Mrs. Hagen at a local store along with their youngest son and when she came up to me and hugged me, I could tell that her heart is slowly mending just like that burned spot on the road which is now covered with thick green grass. I apologize and hope you do not think that I'm taking the easy way out by letting someone read this letter, but after all, I am not a public speaker, just a PLAIN OLD TELEPHONE MAN!

Thank you,
Navor

For more information, go here: http://district6.cwa-union.org/news/page.jsp?itemID=28919413.

Navor has also received a Certification of Commendation from Gov. Rick Perry, and the Central Texas Heroes Award (I think Dad knows more about this one - I couldn't find any information on it).

KXAN did a news story on Navor and his awards. There used to be a really moving video but now they just have the transcript online at http://www.kxan.com/Global/story.asp?s=6971070.

Praise God for him.

Heidi

Birthday

Today would have been Marshall's 21st birthday. So many people connect the 21st birthday with alcohol. I was trying to just think if I could ever remember a time when Marshall had or tried an alcoholic beverage ... I couldn't think of one. Maybe champagne at New Years that one year Mom and Dad bought some.

Today I worked the day shift at Brack (7am-3pm) and I was so busy all day that I did not have time to think about anything (ALL of our beds were full!). After my shift was over, I went upstairs to the 8th floor where most of Mason's hospital stay was spent last year. I didn't really have a plan or know why I was going to the 8th floor, for I hadn't been up there since the day Mason was discharged. As soon as I got off the elevator, I noticed the distinct smell of the floor and it brought back the two weeks in the hospital all in one moment. I had never noticed a unique smell of the floor before - not a bad or good smell, just distinct. One of the staff members who I had talked with a lot while Mason was in the hospital was sitting at the nurses' station! She recognised me and asked me all in one breath, "Oh how are you how is your family how is your brother?!" It was so good to see her. I recognised some of the nurses too.

In the evening, Derek and I had dinner at Home (my parents' house) and afterwards we went to the cemetery. Thanks to everyone who sent cards and emails to remember this day and comfort us. We read those and Hannah had sent a letter she wrote to Marshall that we put on his grave.



My dad received in the mail today a packet from the medical examiner. It contained about 6 pages of detailed descriptions of Marshall's body - the results of an autopsy the Army had ordered. We sat on some benches near Marshall's grave and Mom read it aloud by flashlight. It used medical terminology so I'm not sure how much everyone else understood it, but the main things that struck us were:
- It confirmed that Marshall died immediately on impact.
- Marshall's skin was 95% charred but internally he was barely injured, except for his brain (which suffered bruising and hemorrhage).
- The only fractures he sustained were in his feet.
- It concluded that his death was immediate from blunt head trauma, smoke inhalation, and thermal trauma.
It was written scholarly enough that it didn't seem as hard to read as we all thought it was going to be. I still wish to this day that I could have seen his body, but at the time everyone had advised against it (and the medical examiners office said it wasn't allowed). They do have pictures at the medical examiner's office, and that is a comfort just so I know that they are there if I ever want to look at them.
Travis County Office of the Medical Examiner

At the grave site, I felt like my grief was all stored up and just needed to come out, but instead of feeling sad I felt mad. It wasn't the "why did this happen" mad, but the "leave me alone" mad. I just wanted everyone and everything to go away and leave me in the dark by myself so I could talk to Marshall and tell him everything. Of course that didn't happen and I guess instead I just felt impatient and wanting it to be over. And I wanted to know what was going on in Mason's head. He didn't say anything really the whole time. Oh, Mace, my heart just cries for you! I love you so much! I wish I could do anything for you! It wasn't until Derek and I got back to our apartment that I finally let go and just cried and cried. It's weird to have so many images of Marshall's body that the report created in my head. One thing that Dad reminded us of was that Marshall will get a new body someday. As it says in the Bible, all believers will be resurrected when Christ returns and each will be given a new body - perfect, healthy, and whole!

I'm tired and I need to go to bed. School has been crazy busy and I just have to keep working a little longer until graduation!

We miss Marshall terribly but we are so grateful that Mason's life was saved. These next few months will be extra difficult.

Love,
Heidi

10

I don't really have anything new to say. I just need to say something right now ... The tenth 22nd of my life without Marshall came and went. I worked on Saturday, 7am to 3pm. My heart felt heavy all day. I cried on the way home, and when I got home from work. I was short with Derek. Finally I told him I was sad because of Marshall. He just held me and let me cry. There isn't really much one can do I guess. I wanted my mom. We understand each other.

Ten was Marshall's favorite number. He was born on 10/10. For some reason it was hard for me to except this 22nd. 10 just seems too close to one year. But in some ways I am looking forward to Nov. 22nd because I want to remember Marshall. There is something so healing for me in thinking about him and all the good memories. But there is also so much pain. I guess it's that I long for him so much that there is a little pleasure in having the memories of him ...

I can't write anymore. Too many tears. I'll find something better to say another time.

I lift up my eyes to the hills -
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
- Psalm 121:1-2

Love,
Heidi

Cry Out to Jesus

A heard this song on the radio last week and though I have heard it so many times before and I even own the CD it is on, I never had really listened to all of the words before. As soon as I listened to the first few lines tears where streaming down my face as I thought of Marshall, of course. Oh there is so much pain and hurt and saddness in this world. I just want it to all go away! Go away! Sometimes it just leaves me really longing for heaven. Here are the lyrics. Our only solution really is just to cry out to Him.

----------
Third Day - Cry Out To Jesus
From the album Wherever You Are

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus:
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They’ve lost all of their faith in love
And they've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

Chorus

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Chorus
----------

Of course the days were not long enough. And I never did get to say goodbye.

Love,
Heidi

Mason's Poem

Mason had to write a poem in school. He choose to write about one of the last times he spent with Marshall. He wrote about this picture. Here is the photo and Mason's poem.

By Mason
September 5th, 2007

There we were standing in the back yard,

I see my brother strapping on some gear

Under the large shade trees,

The green leaves prospering like tiny villages

In the sunlight, I see my father, my little brother,
My friend and my soon to be brother-in-law
With paintballs around their waists and guns in their hands
With the open woods behind them,

Its foliage blowing in the summer breeze,

We were family, we were hot, all we knew was we were having a good time,

We would never be apart,

I want to stop that moment in time and replay it,

None of us ever imagined not doing things together,

We thought we would grow old together,

We thought we would all have each other,

I want to go up to them there in the hot afternoon and say it,

Their eager happy faces smiling for the camera,

Their sweaty anticipatory figures,

But I could not do it, I didn’t want our last time together to

Be overshadowed by fear and worry,

So I sit there watching, wishing that time had never ended.