Thinking of Marshall

It seems the things that remind me of Marshall come in waves.  I'm in one of those waves.  It started with my daughter asking to use colored pencils, so I brought out a big red pencil case.  They were Marshall's pencils.  Every single one of them was perfectly sharpened.  Many were only a few inches long and sharpened on both ends.  He was a good artist, very detailed and precise, and of course would never waste any part of a colored pencil.  He would draw scenes to his ever-expanding story and tape sheets of paper together in a long folding packet.  The story included lots of creative vehicles, terrain, and good guys fighting bad guys.

I was listening to dc Talk and of course I cannot NOT listen to that without thinking of Marshall and Mason.  Nu Thang and Free at Last on cassette tape - those were the classics.  Marshall and Mason used to put on backwards hats and do the rap from Luv is a Verb together in the kitchen: "Back in the day there was a man - a man!..."  They were the cutest little white rapper brothers!

I thank God for the one-of-a-kind boy/man He made in Marshall.  I know he was only meant to live 20 years here, but my heart aches for him, in all his unique Marshallness.  I like to look at our "Marshall shelf" in our living room when I'm missing him.  It has the candle with the black ribbon that was at our wedding, my copy of the Marshall memory book, a cross, and a photo of him taken by Michele just days before the accident.  God only meant us to have 20 years with him - just 20 years on this earth, that was his life, completed.

Oh Marshall, my brother, part of me died when you died.  And I am never the same.  None of us are, even 8 years without you.  I can now talk about it with strangers without crying, most of the time, but there is still The Ache that comes at times and never fully goes away.

Happy 20-infinity Birthday, Marshall

In honor of Marshall's earthy birthday today, our family shared thoughts and memories about him through email (since we couldn't all physically be together).  I wanted to share a few of those thoughts here on the blog.

Blanca shared a quote from A Story Unfinished by Matt Monney:

My boss, whose firstborn son Eliot lived for 99 days, recently wrote a book that talks about his family's journey before, during, and after Eliot. He shares some thoughts at the end that encouraged me, and I wanted to share them with you all as well:

"Eternity is not a fantasyland warm fuzzy for me. As a believer, I maintain - with white-knuckled faith that defies my own logic - that heaven is a realm as real as the one I currently occupy. And I do not pretend to understand the dimensions, seemingly obscured by the One who knows. But I know enough; it is where the remaining portion of my yearning soul finds rest.

Jesus Christ has overthrown the power and effects of death.

I await the coming day when I join in the chorus questioning where death's sting has gone. The One who makes beauty from ashes in this world breathes life into ashes in the one to come. On this side we see in pieces the redemption that will one day come in full."

So thankful that there will come a day when we will all be reunited with Marshall and be in the presence of our Lord.

Note from Mom:

I had a "Marshall Moment" the other day. I had not had one for months. I had some errands to run. I had a specific item I wanted to purchase and I thought 2 stores might have it. One was Marshalls. I avoided shopping there for years because it made me sad, but I had gotten to the point I was ok with it - but that day it seemed too sad so I went to the other store. Found nothing so I had to go to Marshalls. Found exactly what I wanted but was starting to feel small waves of grief. The next place I needed to go was Best Buy to get a gift card. No one was at the checkout so I had to go find someone. He called someone else. The checkout guy that came was apologizing profusely for me having to wait but I couldn't say a word. His name was Marshall. It was all it could do not to burst into tears. He probably thought I was upset about waiting, but I couldn't tell him anything. I sat in my car and cried.

These moments still occur but they are rare. I still feel a longing to be with him at times but it is a sweet sadness. :-) I'm amazed at the healing God has done in my heart! I have more joy and contentment than I've ever had in my life. I can truly feel thankful for God summoning Marshall when He did and I love Jesus more now and feel more connected with Him.

I remember a sweet, little blond boy coming into my bedroom early every morning saying, "Mama, it's time for morning hugs." 

I am so thankful for the 20 years we had together. And the foundation of my joy is in the goodness, sovereignty and eternity of my loving Father.

Ursula shared a memory about Marshall at family meals with us on Sundays after church.  She felt comforted when Marshall (and the other boys) listened to her patiently when she shared her heart, even through crying.

"... I remember feeling so loved during times in college when I ate Sunday meals with y'all, and I often cried about something uncontrollably, and everyone (even the boys!) patiently listened to me...I would sheepishly look up, afraid to make eye contact with anyone, but whenever I looked at Marshall (or any of the boys), I was shocked that they were still sitting at the table, quiet. And if I made eye contact with any of them, they didn't give me a face of "oh your so stupid for crying." but just looked at me, with a look of waiting patiently. Being teenage boys (and younger), I figured they were probably dying inside, so wishing to be out playing and done listening to this girl crying, but they still sat there patiently waiting not giving me any kind of crazy look. I can't describe in words what that meant to me. I wasn't looking to be consoled ... yet God used them (and continues to use them) to really minister to my heart. And Marshall in particular stood out to me at the time because he was the oldest and of all the boys was a bit more "rough around the edges" in his personality. And the fact that he just sat there patiently waiting for me ... and not giving me mean looks, even if he was having negative thoughts and not showing them (or if he did make them and God hid them from me, haha!), he just sat and kindly waited, just soothed my heart! I was still embarrassed and hated crying, but my memory of him during those times continues to speak to my heart. To this day, I still feel shocked and loved at how all the boys, but particularly Marshall, would react to me when I cried."

Heidi: I can relate a lot to what Ursula is saying.  Marshall was certainly a patient listener.  He would just stay.  He was present.  Steady, calm, confident.  He never made me feel dumb for crying.  I remember crying after being in a fender bender on the way to school (Regents) and he was so calm through it all.  He wasn't worried about the car, or being late, or me reacting emotionally.  He was just like well, that's that, now let's go to school.  It was good steadiness for my ups and downs.

It is good to remember the boy and man God created and gave to us for 20 years.  I can't wait to meet the new Marshall, and I'm grateful his death makes me meditate on the eternal life we have in Christ Jesus!

I found a few pictures unpacking

Knights Day at Regents

Jumping at the Texas Memorial Museum - That's David M. and Madison on the top

Marshall watching Ben L. (I think?) hula hoop at Knights Day

Another Dream

Yesterday Mom texted me this while she was driving through West Virginia:

"We just passed 2 billboards.  1st one said: Marshall. Best Decision Ever.  2nd one said: After you die, you will meet God. Hebrews 9:27."

As I was praising God with Mom that Marshall was with God, I thought about how much effort it must take to trust God in cases when your loved one did not accept Christ.  It must take a whole lot of faith in God's sovereign and perfect plan to somehow come to terms with the fact that the one you love is in hell - separated from all Good - forever.  And that this is part of God's good and perfect story.  I think believing that would be extremely difficult for me; perhaps God gives special grace to those who must live with knowing that about their friend or family member.

So I guess it's not too surprising that I dreamed about Marshall again last night.  I was at an OB-GYN clinic waiting with a friend or doula client.  She suddenly gave birth right there in the chair, and I caught the baby.  The baby was premature and had hydrocephalus (swelling in the skull that causes an enlarged head).  So we wrapped him in a blanket and got her downstairs and outside to the place where the ambulance would pick her up and take her and her baby to the hospital.

While waiting there on the curb, Marshall walked up next to me, grinning.  He looked exactly the same: young, skinny, tan.  He was wearing that red t-shirt of his with the words across it (nikeathletics I think) and his black trench coat, open.  His hair wasn't Army-buzzed - it was longer and spiky like he used to have it.  My jaw dropped; I couldn't speak right away.  I flung my arms around him and choked out, "Marshall!  Marshall!  But how?  How are you here?!"  And he just smiled.  Then I don't know if we talked or if these were just my thoughts: "But we thought you were dead!"  "Well, I'm alive!  Here I am!"  "Well how did you get here?  What happened?  Why haven't we seen you in all these years?"

My brain was trying to give logic to a story that is completely illogical.

Then I woke up - it was morning - and for that tinniest fraction of a second, I thought it was possible - that it made sense that Marshall could still be alive somewhere and show up in front of a clinic.

I think my mind considers this a possibility because I never got to say good-bye, watch him pass, or see his dead body.  I used to make up all sorts of scenarios about how maybe he really isn't dead and he will come back into our lives in a moment.

I still think of him and cry and long to hug him and see him again, but most of the heart-wrenching, hole-in-my-heart grief is gone, or, more likely, healed over.  This year I have been learning about trusting in God's plan for my life and choosing to believe that ALL of it was/is good - therefore, Marshall's death and its circumstances and timing were good.  Good for him, good for Mason, good for our family, good for every person.  I still don't see HOW it was good, but I believe it was/is.  Once I believe it is good it doesn't stop there - it's not a one-time thing.  It's a continual believing that I believe God is who He says He is and that I can have peace and joy that everything that happens has a good purpose for my life and is God's great plan.  The ladies who are taking the Beth Moore Believing God study with me will find this very familiar.  I believe these things because God says so in His Word; therefore, I must believe it.  After I force myself to believe it, I experience such a weight lifted from me that I wonder why I didn't believe it all along!  (Because someone doesn't want us to).

Thanks for reading,

Heidi

Matthew 10:28-29:

28 And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.

Matthew 25:41-46:

41 “Then He will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ... ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

John 3:36:

36 Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him.

John 3:17:

17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.

God desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:4).

What the Bible says about Hell

I saw this when searching for the Marshall heading above.

6 Years

Some photos from our visit to the grave site on Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 22.

I miss him very much but this year I felt more peace at the cemetery than ever.  We walked around and looked at other graves.  When Marshall's body was first buried it was at the edge of the cemetery surrounded by an open field.  Now the field is almost filled with graves.  Death is all around us.  People die all the time.

The righteous perish,
    and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
    and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
    to be spared from evil.

Those who walk uprightly
    enter into peace;
    they find rest as they lie in death.
- Isaiah 57:1-2

Happy Birthday, Marshall

I turned on the radio on my way to the grocery store a few days ago and "In the Secret" was playing.  I started weeping and cried all the way to the store and sat in the parking lot.  You may remember that was a special song to Marshall as he sang it at a church in Iraq.  We played it at his funeral and I included it as one of the songs in his slideshow.  So I can't listen to that song without thinking of him.  It's so fitting that Marshall liked that song because it talks about dark, quiet, and secret places and there God is.

In the secret
in the quiet place
in the stillness
You are there.

In the secret,
in the quiet hour I wait
only for You
‘cause I want to know You more.

I want to know You.
I want to hear Your voice.
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You.
I want to see Your face.
I want to know You more.

When I sing it I think of both God and Marshall.  Yes, I want to see God and know Him more, but I also think of when we will get to see Marshall again.  Because I lived 20 years with him on this earth, I remember what it is like to be with him physically.  We don't (typically!) see God, or feel Him, or audibly hear Him, and it's sometimes harder for me to long for that although I still do.  But my longing for Marshall is based in memories of reality - I had it once.  I want it again.  My heart aches and aches just to be with him again.  Just to sit next to him in the car - even in silence - and be together.  That's what I loved about our relationship - we didn't have to talk, we were just there together.

My two-year-old Tirzah knows where her Uncle Marshall is.  She first learned about death when a bug got caught between our window and the screen and couldn't climb back out the hole.  We watched it struggle for a few days, and then it died.  That was months ago, and it's still there.  Every now and then Tirzah goes up to the window and says "dead bug."  I asked Tirzah where Uncle Marshall is and she said, "He's in heaven with Jesus."  She likes to play with her moose and she knows it was Uncle Marshall's moose.  She sometimes takes naps with it.  One time she wanted to take it on a walk and somehow it fall out of the stroller.  Someone behind us on the sidewalk ran up to me and said, "I think you dropped this!"  I grabbed it tightly and said, "THANK YOU!"  It doesn't go on walks with us anymore!

So, what can I say.  Today Marshall would have been 26.  I'm 27.  I wonder if they do anything special for earthly birthdays in heaven, any way to commemorate them.  I've been reading about David's mighty men in Kings and Chronicles and of course it makes me think of Marshall.  I looked at his myspace profile again today and it's so weird and kind of funny how much he talks about killing in his profile.  Now before anyone freaks out and thinks Marshall was a psychopath, he was kind of extreme in talking about wanting to kill people, but he's not talking about just killing ANY one.  He wanted to be an instrument of justice and kill bad people, people who needed to be killed but maybe no one else was doing it.  (And maybe he liked the shock and reaction he got when he would say things like that because it seemed so opposite his quiet, gentle nature?)   He was a warrior inside.  I wonder who he's fighting with now.  Family and friends who knew him, do you have any more insight into his part of him?

2002

May 2003 - My high school graduation

Summer 2003 - driving on our family vacation in Ohio

Thanksgiving Day, 2003

Chilling after a family soccer game, Nov. 2003

2004-08-12 Graduation from Basic Training in OK

5 Years

Nov. 22, 2011 - Those of us who were in Austin (Mom, Dad, Derek, me, and Tirzah, and Madison) went to the grave at around 5pm.  We noticed there was a man's body buried to the right of Marshall's grave.  Looks like it was buried last Dec. - we hadn't been to the grave for a whole year!  The other side are Mom and Dad's plots so those will stay open until they go to God.

It was pretty cold so we didn't stay very long.  Next we stopped at the crash site.  The cross looked more worn on the top - some of the paint is wearing off.  It always smells bad next to the dump.

It was windy and cold so we didn't stay there long either.  We headed back to the Hagen house and had dinner together.  Later we skyped with Hannah and Richard and talked through memories of the day of the accident and the following days afterwards.  I think it was pretty hard for my dad but helpful for my mom and me; Hannah shared some things that happened that my mom didn't even remember as she was so focused on Mason's condition.  Oh what a crazy, desperate time.  I shared the memory of when we had first gotten to the ER and heard that Marshall hadn't made it for sure and my dad sunk to the floor and cried out to God that He would raise him back to life like Lazarus.  Madison crouched in the corner between the wall and a couch.  I sat on the couch in a ball.  I don't know where Derek was.  Mom hadn't gotten there yet.  Hannah and Richard were driving to Ohio for a wedding.  When Mom got to the ER they asked if two of us wanted to go back and see Mason.  He was on a stretcher being triaged for his burns.

Even though it was hard and sad to talk about those things, it was very comforting just being together and being able to talk with Hannah via skype.  We really missed Mason not being there with us.

I'd like to write up the whole story sometime to be sure we don't forget it.  Even after 5 years we felt like some of the memories were foggy.

Then Dad read I Thessalonians 4 about the coming of the Lord:

 ¹³But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. ¹⁴For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁵For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. ¹⁸Therefore encourage one another with these words.

This is our hope!  Praise the Lord that He has promised us restoration, healing, joy, and RESURRECTION!

This is one of my favorite pictures of Marshall and me.
This was at a waltz class we were taking in Sept. 2004.
Marshall and I were dance partners for the classes.

Just because I don't post on here very often doesn't mean I don't think about Marshall very often.  I think about him all the time.  My heart still has a hole in it.  A piece of me is still missing.  I still long to see him and know him again.  "Uncle" Marshall has three nieces now; they will never know him on this earth.  It makes me sad every time my daughter T points to his picture on the fridge and I say, "Uncle Marshall."  She won't get to know him.  She won't get to see my relationship with him.  It is getting so weird now becoming friends with people who have never met him.  I feel like it's a part of ME they can never get to know.  I am thankful for so many of those who did know him and still know me well.

I still have dreams about him.  The most recent dream I had was: My family was together at some sort of arena.  Marshall was there visiting us from heaven.  He looked like a normal person to everyone else but we knew he was from heaven.  He had spiky hair and was wearing all black and a trench coat, of course.  There were some "bad guys" who were threatening me.  Marshall threw Chinese throwing stars at them and killed them all - bam, bam, bam - just like that.  His accuracy was incredible and everyone in the audience was amazed.  So dreams are weird but the point of this dream was that Marshall was protecting me.  It reminded me how much he cared for me.  He really did like me even if he didn't say it verbally.  We had this special relationship, this unseen understanding.  I'm sure God is using Marshall for great things right now.

I hate that as time goes on I feel like I am losing memories.  I am so thankful for pictures, letters, and the few videos, but I find it harder and harder to remember what he was really like day-to-day.  In some ways I didn't know him very well at all when he died.  In some ways God gradually distanced our relationship over the 2 years preceding his passing, perhaps to make his final absence easier to bear for all of us?

"I lift up my eyes to the hills.  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth."  (Ps 121)

There is SO much more I could say ... his absence affects me constantly: when someone asks me how many siblings I have ... when I visit the LEGO store in Orlando, FL ... when I see an mr2 ... when I hear of someone losing their son or brother ... when I look at my own daughter and think about all the thousands of memories I already have with her as her mother and she is only 15 months old - I can only imagine what my parents go through!  ... when someone else says they have three brothers and I have to stop myself from saying . "Me too!" so that I don't have to go through the whole story ("well, I mean, I used to, but now I just have two ... one died in a car accident ... uh, yeah, don't really want to tell the whole story right now") ... and when I hear of anyone dying anywhere ... O Lord, comfort the broken-hearted.  I know You fill my life with good things.

And to think ... God chose to lose His one and only Son for us scumbags!  Wow, I've never even thought of the grief of God the Father as His Son died!

I cling to the promise of seeing Marshall again.

Heidi

4 years

Promises

Mom's Marshall Promises:

Isaiah 13:3,4

“I have commanded My holy ones; I have summoned My warriors to carry out My wrath - those who rejoice in My triumph. Listen, a noise on the mountains, like that of a great multitude! Listen, an uproar among the kingdoms, like nations massing together! The Lord Almighty is mustering an army for war.”

Marshall was summoned

Revelation 19:14

“The armies of heaven were following Him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean.”

My most vivid dream . . .

Isaiah 57:1,2

“The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”

Marshall was spared from evil and given peace and rest.

Psalm 116:15

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones.”

Ezekiel 24:16

“...with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes.”

God took Ezekiel’s wife for the effect it would have on others. God will use Marshall’s death for the salvation of others.

John 12:24

“I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it bears much fruit and produces many seeds.”

Isaiah 12:3

“With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.”

Isaiah 49:20,21

“The children born during your bereavement will yet say in your hearing, ‘This place is too small for us; give us more space to live in.’ Then you will say in your heart, ‘Who bore me these? I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up? I was left alone, but these - where have they come from' ”

Isaiah 51:2b

”When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and made him many.”